Walking Forgiveness...

Everyone keeps telling me I need to “get angry” with The Him for using me, lying to me, leading me on, cheating on, and betraying me. I can do it now. I can find him truly despicable… The truth of the matter is that it’s been SO much easier to be mad at The Woman who rubbed my nose in it. It’s even been easier to be angry with his mother, who encouraged The Woman, than to be angry with him. I’m sure it’s because I loved him and not them.

Now though, I can feel anger at all of them. Isn’t that great? Now I’m officially PISSED OFF. Now what?

S(pecial) A(ngel) F(riend) Sally says “find your happy thoughts” and “fake it til you make it.”

So I look for the positive…. Hum de dum…. Is it under this rock?... over that little hill?.....

Colin Tipping in his book Radical Forgiveness (awesome book by the way, I HIGHLY recommend it and I’ll be reading it AGAIN tonight) says that all the Universe needs is that we be “willing to see the perfection in a situation.” We don’t have to actually see it, just be willing.

I am willing.

I actually can see the perfection in The Woman friending me; how else would I have known the truth about what he was doing (starting up a relationship with her?) He was so good at explaining away everything he did that fuzzed up my radar. She put an end to that with the incessant “living her life” on a social networking site.

I can see the perfection in all the amazing things he said, and the way he made me feel so good about myself. I NOW also see that he really is a very arrogant, self-centered person who honestly thinks only of himself. He tells himself that he’s a good dad, but even that’s only as long as it makes him “feel good.” His needs/wants/desires always come first.

I can see that I “dodged a bullet,” and I do believe that I deserve better…. So WHY am I so overcome with fury when I hear about, or even think about, the fact that he lives with her now? SHE HAS WHAT WAS MINE! Or, if it wasn’t completely mine it’s what I was promised. He proposed to me, he gave me rings!!!!! Okay, intellectually I know that he wasn’t really mine, and he’s probably not really hers either. We both are just suckers being used by a jerk, but still!!!! ARRRGGHHH!!!!!

Deep breath… I am willing to see the perfection…. I might have wasted years on him before getting fed up enough to let him go. Or not been able to break free of him at all (he would have continued to hedge his bets, and lead me on, I’m sure) if things had not played out exactly the way they did… Intellectually, I can see that. Emotionally… I’m getting better….

Monday was a good day. I could feel the gravitational pull weakening. Like in those space movies where the ships have that moment of hesitation before launching into hyper drive or something and blasting off. The things around here that are tainted by memories of him, and normally pack a punch to my solar plexus, felt like just a memory… no pain.. I was really pleased with myself. Then came Tuesday, and I was back to feeling furious. She has what was promised to ME!!!!!

I’m trying not to screw up my own “Karma,” “Seedtime & Harvest,” “What Goes Around Comes Around.” So I have to stop myself from wishing what I REALLY want, for them to make each other as miserable as they’ve made me. I will wish instead for them to “reap their intentions toward me," and I'm willing to reap mine as well.

When I think of it like that, I can see that her intentions were not nearly as despicable as his. She’s just desperate to have a man, and from her internet history, it appears any man will do. He, on the other hand, is willing to lie, use, cheat, and betray to feel good at all times.

I am willing to see the perfection…

The Him served a vital purpose in my breaking away from from The Ex when things with The Ex were so vile. The Ex would call me foul names in front of my children, tell them everything was all my fault one minute, (even the part where he was treating me WORSE than he did when we were married, BECAUSE I wouldn’t give him that 1001 chance,) then flipping a switch and being a bizarre caricature of what he thought a “sweet” person would be… The Him built me up.

He gave me something to look forward to in the future. The same future that I had all but decided would never get any better than The Ex treating me unkindly, and disrespectfully for the rest of my life…

The Him reminded me of how I was when he first knew me, beautiful, smart, and funny, and was actually able to make me feel that way again…

The Him kept me from crumbling under all the turmoil and madness that my daily life had become during the divorce.

He served a purpose…. even though he was just cubic zirconia… not real…

I am willing to see the perfection…. I am willing to “forgive” him for being a fake, even though he’s being bright and shiny for her now. Even though she’s bragging about what a “jewel” she has.... deep breath… he’s still just a fake…

I’m willing to see the perfection…. I know now what I can believe for… I know now what I want…. a real diamond.

Someone once said that, to them, forgiveness was “releasing the hope that the past could be anything different than it was.” I guess that’s not that different from being “willing to see the perfection.”

When I lived in LA I heard a story that has stuck with me for over a decade. A woman from some war-ravaged, third world, country was giving a talk about forgiveness to a group of yuppie LA women. I can’t remember what she had said to start the talk, but it caused a woman in the audience to ask, “How can you understand what women from our world go through since it’s so different from yours? How can you tell me to forgive when my best friend stole my husband, AND my business, and left me with nothing? How do I forgive that? How does what you’ve been through relate to that?”

The speaker said, “I practice “Walking Forgiveness” and it works for every kind of wrong. While I did not lose a husband or business, soldiers raiding my village raped me, then made me watch as my mother, and sisters were raped and murdered. I was kept alive to serve as an example, and placed in a prison cell that was not quite long enough for me to lie down in, and kept there for years. That is where I learned “walking forgiveness,” by spending my days walking the few steps I could, and with every step I said, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you”…

I have never forgotten that story.

So when I am eaten up with anger, hurt, resentment, or disappointment, I remind myself of that woman and her walking forgiveness. Even if I only take the “steps” in my head because I can’t go for a walk. I start with “I forgive you” until I can catch my breath.

I add a few more words to mine… I say “I forgive you _______ ______ (name there) and I release you to the Holy Spirit so that I may be free.” I also say, “I’m willing to see the perfection in this situation.” And on days like today I say, “I am angry, but I’m willing not to be” – repeat as needed.

I am working on my “belief,” my happy place…

In the meantime I have come to believe…That when we “forgive” someone, the person who is released is NOT the person whose name we insert in the blanks but instead… US…That the reason we ought to forgive-“become willing to see the perfection”-“accept the fact that the past cannot be any different than it is”- is to free OURSELVES from the chains around our OWN hearts.

I’m going for a walk on the prairie now, and with every step I will be practicing “walking forgiveness.” Wish me peace..

EEEK! My boob just vibrated… it’s okay, it’s only a text… My daily quote my cousin Kaylee sends me (Thanks Kaylee )… I’ll share it with you since it’s freakily perfect for this tumbleweed… “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

Interesting….

I am willing to see the perfection.

I want to be wise in my forgiveness. I like what Mr. Tipping says in Radical Forgiveness “Wise people forgive but DO NOT forget. They strive to appreciate the gift inherent in the situation, and to remember the lesson it taught them.” This is sometimes challenging for me as when I forgive I have a tendency to forget, and get hurt again by the same person….

I’m praying for wisdom to go along with my side of peace…



I’ve heard it said “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is, thank you, it will be enough.”

I tell my kids that whatever they look for, that’s what they’ll see. So they should look for the good, the positive, in their life so they’ll get more of it.

So I'll try and focus on the flower, not the deadwood.

Today as I walk, and forgive, I’m also going to remember to say “thank you” for every single good thing I DO have… even if I have to start with air to breathe, and a body that moves… I am really so very very blessed… Just look at my precious Spirit Guides…

Thank you, again, for taking the time to stop this tumbleweed as it passed..It has been healing to write them, and to read your replies that come back..
Angels on your bodies,
Prairie girl