Under The Waves...

Once, when I was about 10 or 11 my dad took us to the beach for vacation… I remember him trying to teach me to body surf..

When he was done I dove into a wave as it headed toward the shore and was immediately pushed down under the water. The force was so strong I remember thinking that I was going to drown. That I’d never able to rise up against all that pressure. Then I began to feel the other sensations in my body… The sand against my knees… My knees? How could that be? Then I remembered…I was only in waist deep water…all I had to do was wait for the wave to pass and raise up.. stand up…and I’d be free.

I feel so at the mercy of a different kind of ocean these past days… It feels like I’m riding the waves of everyone else’s time frames. Waves that are going to collide with each other at any minute…

Here, the waves are high and the seas are raging. People packing and cleaning and loading…. I have to utilize all the assistance I can get. This is such a massive job…

While at my destination the water is just the slightest ebb and flow.. I am heading at warp speed toward a house that is not cleared out or ready, and no real time frame when it will be…

A house that is not only a perfect solution, it seems to be the only one that works for my business, kids AND a dog…


Meanwhile, my life is here in an open gooseneck stock trailer and the wind is howling… Yesterday it even rained…

Let me say that I know I am so blessed with people assisting me. I am very grateful… but today…. today I am under the waves… Waiting for them to pass so I can stand up..

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my belongings but I know I’m heading out with them a week from today, and I’m hoping there is a safe place for them when I get there… solid ground appearing when I step into air…

I’m packing the kids and I to live out of suitcases for the next few weeks… Staying with family… Them starting a new school…

I am submitting… I am willing to see the perfection… I am scared, but I am willing not to be..

Now here’s the negative confession… Brace yourself… it’s like finding out your favorite workout guru has been having liposuction….

I am no longer feeling like a hopeful romantic…

There I said it…

No….seriously….it’s bad….

I feel like I’m done with dating… Done with men.. I mean seriously.. done….

I’ve realized that very one of them has left me disappointed in some way, and I’m tired.. I don’t like that feeling…the disappointed hopeless feeling.. I get my hopes up even when I know I shouldn’t, even when I know the guy is not Mr. Right… Not a keeper....I still feel disappointed when I am faced with the reality of it…

I hear the feminists among us saying “well done, glad you caught up to the class,” but this is not who I wanted to become… I do not want to become someone who thinks men suck.. I DON’T think they all do.. I’m just tired of test driving them.

I told Sally this morning that I needed a burning bush with a voice coming out of it saying “date this man” because I’m just too tired to do it one more time…. I’ll let you know if THAT happens.. That would make a fantastic blog post wouldn’t it? LOL… Oh it felt good to laugh for a second..

Maybe I’m just under too much stress.. Maybe I’m hormonal… Maybe…Maybe I’ll feel better when this wave passes… but in the meantime I am not brave.. I am not hopeful…and while I am not completely negative I am definitely NOT optimistic about my love life... and I felt it was only right to come here and confess what a hypocrite I am…

There… I feel a little better.. The guilt was eating me alive…

Thank you for being there for me to send this out of me to… Thank you for healing me like you do…

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl…

Weighty thoughts...

Contemplating Weight Loss

First I have to admit something to you… Every time I write a post that’s all positive and uplifting I’ll be in a major funk the next day… Weirdness I tell you. I can’t explain it. This one’s lasted a week though.

It might have something to do with the fact that half of my life is in a gooseneck trailer in my front yard. I say only half because that’s all I’m getting to take.

I think I have a house that has room for my quilting machine (my business) and the rent is a mere song… Another answered prayer.. But I’m leaving my life as I’ve known it for the past 8 years.. This is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my life… True story.

I’m overwhelmed and not feeling my bravest, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am still “upright - not duct taped to the floor and drizzled with fire ants.”

While I am sad I honestly do see the perfection. I do see the hope. I’m just trying to keep my faith in the appearance of land beneath my steps into thin air… I’m trying to just keep walking and not look down..

Okay, enough of that. Lets go back to weight loss/dieting… Someone told me the other day that they were doing what I said about “paying attention” and it hadn’t worked for them…

I don’t know that I know jack shit, but somehow I’ve managed to think right about eating… I’ve lost 80lbs in the past year without dieting… Without “trying,” after years of doing every diet known to woman....

I have to say right off the bat though that if food is your comfort… Your “drug” of choice if you will, like it was for me, I’m not sure what I’m doing will work until you get rid of the need for the drug… Does that make sense?

You could switch drugs and my eating would work… I say that because I’ve acquired a tolerance (not a real taste for, unless it has frozen limeade in it too) for beer since being with the Golf Pro… I can’t drink a glass of wine as it makes me tired, and grouchy, but a beer will have the same calming effect as “medicinal fudge,” though I can drive on the fudge and I won’t on the beer.

It may be “un-enlightened” of me to drink but there you have it… I’m still evolving…

I’ve had times lately I’ve wished that I could ‘use’ sugar to calm myself, but it just tastes so bad to me now.

Since my friend told me that the paying attention hasn’t been working for her I’ve been trying to pin down exactly what it is I’ve done to lose the weight…I didn’t have to “think” about it.. I didn’t have to say some positive words daily.. I just paid attention to (contemplated?) the taste of things… the way I felt when eating them.. If it wasn’t EXACTLY the taste and texture I wanted I stopped, spit it out, threw it away.

For all of those like me with little grannies still in their heads making them feel guilty by saying “think of all the starving children in Africa” I ask you imagine the look on my sweet little Quaker great grandma’s face when, after she said just such a thing, I asked “Do you have their addresses, I’ll mail my oatmeal to them?” True story…

If you can’t bring yourself to throw it out just then, put it in the fridge and eat it later if it appeals to you then. Or throw it out tomorrow, or give it to the dog… Think of it like this - it’s better to throw it out than to have to starve/exercise it off of yourself later…

I feel the most important part about this, is the next step. Think about, contemplate, your fullness. You know how sometimes the gas gage on you car goes up and down? Your hunger/fullness is the same way.. So you’ve found EXACTLY what you want to eat.. Contemplate the exact moment when you are no longer hungry… THAT moment… If you’re not sure take one more bite.. did the hunger come back? If it’s gone stop… wait.. If it comes back you can always eat more… just stop BEFORE you hit FULL… Cause when you hit full there’s still more coming down the pike and you will be OVER-full and miserable a minute later…

I’ve had days when I am suddenly starving and the usual one piece of pizza doesn’t fill me up… On those days it takes THREE pieces and I find myself scared to death that I’m going to gain every pound back!!!.. EVERY time this happens I’ll be down at least a couple pounds on the scale the next day… EVERY time…

The last weeks I’ve had multiple days where I’m hungry all the time and I do believe it’s stress related. That being said, I’ve not gained from it… I think it’s because I am trying really hard to stop before I get the full feeling and wait a minute.. To still listen… Also I’ve tried to determine if it really is hunger, or instead thirst, or just the stress.. As long as it feels like hunger I go ahead and eat…

I refuse to judge food. I just do. It feels like spending too much mental energy on food. Which then makes me think even more about food. Spending that much time and thought on judging my food as “good vs. bad” “fat vs low fat” just makes me want to eat food even when I’m NOT hungry cause I’m thinking about it so much… It just feels like everything I used to do that was restrictive and depressing…

I say again that this is JUST what’s worked for me… I don’t know why it’s worked… I’m just thankful and amazed because after all the hard work I’ve done trying to lose weight over the years this has been so effortless I am still amazed. Every time I put on my jeans I look at them and think “those are so small they’ll never fit around one thigh!” but they do fit around all of me… Sometimes I’m tempted to be scared it’ll all come back but then I think “nah” and go on for a while longer… Since it wasn’t some big struggle to accomplish it it doesn’t feel scary.. Does that make any sense?

Send me a note on a tumbleweed if you have questions or just want to tell me I’m full of crap… Well… My eyes are brown… lol…

I love and appreciate you guys more than you know... seriously.

Angels on your bodies..
Prairie Girl

Cowboys And Kryptonite

 

I read something the other day that struck me quite profoundly… “Be prepared then for opportunity disguised as great loss.”

Hmmm…. I wonder about this… I hope that it could be true for me… but then what other choice do I have?

Well, obviously there is another choice.. bitterness, unhappiness, staying miserable.. trying to control everything or everybody around me in the vain attempt to avoid ever being hurt again…but that is not a life worth living, at least in my not-so-humble opinion..

So.. I choose hope.. faith… I choose to look for the opportunity offered to me in loss..

I am learning so much about the power of our minds…our thoughts.. our ‘intent” if you will.

When I am brought to my knees in sadness, and fear I remind myself that what we look at is indeed, what we see… what we look for is what we experience more of..

So when I am on my knees, I look for ANYTHING I can be thankful for… air in my lungs… the smiles on my Spirit Guide’s faces… I start wherever I am and go up from there. Walking gratitude… I believe it's the next step after “walking forgiveness” (Walking Forgiveness)

Someone asked me how I got over wanting to talk about my hurt… How did I get to the point that I cannot even stand to read the earlier posts on here that talk about what The Golf Pro did…  It’s hard to believe but I don’t even want to read what I wrote! I don’t want it in my mind now that it’s finally out… But, how did I get it out? Hmmm…

Well, first and foremost I do believe time is our friend… if we CHOOSE to let it be that is… Also, I think it would have to be said that I started choosing what I allowed into my mind. Choosing what I would look at, think about, contemplate.

I actually got into an argument with a friend who still checks in at “the bar” (the social networking site) and wants to tell me what The Golf Pro and the new woman are doing.. I looked at her and said do you not see me peaceful? Happy? I cannot have peaceful and happy if I put “them” into my head…

I’m not sure she really understands…

I’ve had to choose what I would allow myself to know.

What I put in my head determines what I feel. Garbage in, pain and suffering follow… Gratitude, submission, surrender in ….eventually peace will follow… Even if it’s only pockets of peace in the beginning… they really do get longer and longer.. Then one day you will find that they are the majority, and the loss or sadness is only a fleeting sensation

See… we are magic… BUT..we are also equipped with free will to decide NOT to use our creative and magical powers. And even though we are powerful creative beings we cannot, however, overpower our own minds.

That’s why diets don’t work.. We cannot NOT want to eat when we’re constantly thinking about food… Constantly making judgments about it, and ourselves for eating or not eating it..

We cannot overcome the grief of our loss by thinking about what we no longer have.

It’s just like Superman and Kryptonite… All his amazing super powers were rendered null and void in the presence of a little rock.. All our amazing creative forces cannot overcome themselves..

So how do we get past the sadness, the loss, the Kryptonite if we cannot overpower it?

We “change the channel.”

We think about where we WANT to go, what we want to feel…. We change our minds and change our world… Great-groovy-grand on a day when it’s all peaches and sunlight but what about when the weight of our loss comes over us so heavy it brings us to our knees?

Well… we go to our knees.. We submit, because we cannot overpower it… and when it lessens.. and it will.. while we’re still down there we search for one thing to be thankful for. One shining spot.. our grand-babies smile.. the fur angel who’s come and pressed a wet nose in our hair cause he thinks we’re down there to play with him… Or even a distant hope.. fantasy even, that one day we will be happy..

We think about what that would feel like… What would "us, happy" look like? We spend a few minutes there.. escaping, no matter how briefly, what we are currently experiencing as reality…

“The Wright brothers didn't contemplate the staying on the ground of things.

Alexander Graham Bell didn't contemplate the non-communication of things.

Thomas Edison didn't contemplate the darkness of things.

In order to float an idea into your reality, you must be willing to do a somersault into the inconceivable and land on your feet, contemplating what you WANT instead of what you DON'T HAVE....” - The Power Of Intention by Wayne Dyer

Contemplating.. contemplating… contemplating….  That seems to be the key… I am trying to pay attention to what I am contemplating.

So just exactly WTF makes me think any of this shit works? I’ll tell you but it might freak you out…

Here’s my reality for the past year… A miserable marriage that I thought I was trapped in.. A divorce that made my Ex nastier.. No work for me or The Ex…bill collectors ringing my phone off the wall day long.. My mom moving into my house because she’s making the payments on it anyway..Having to move away to another state with babies that I need to protect and provide for ..A lover who declared his undying love and proposed marriage only to cheat on and use me.

Here’s my “happy place” for the past 2 months.. I couldn’t pass the test (not enough math skills) for a job I applied for at the Spirit Guide’s school here… but in the town where I’m moving they’ll tutor me for the test… My quilting business here is not enough to support me.. There, they are already forming a line. I brought 2 quilting jobs home with me after my scouting trip last week.. I’m overwhelmed with the packing I would have to do to get out of this house.. Someone volunteered to do it for me in exchange for a T-shirt quilt and a bed I’m leaving behind anyway… I had 8 puppies to find homes for.. A neighbor took them yesterday to a petting zoo and found great homes for all of them…

Every step I take into thin air lands on firm ground… It appears out of nowhere… I have no other way to explain it other than that I’ve "changed" my mind.

I know that our minds are powerful. A hypnotist can make a sane, normal individual believe beyond all reason that they are imprisoned in a dungeon with walls they can honestly, physically, not cross when, in fact, they are in the middle of an empty stage. The walls existing only in their mind… The amazing writer, Richard Bach proposes in his book Hypnotizing Maria that hypnosis is nothing more than a suggestion accepted…

So.. just in case he's right… I make these “suggestions” to myself daily, then I endeavor to accept them..

-Everything that happens around me works out for the good of all concerned.

-People are as kind to me as I am to them.

-Coincidence leads me to others who bring lessons for me to learn, and for whom I have lessons to give as well.

-I am abundant to overflowing with everything I need to become the person I choose to be.

-I remember that I created this world, and that I can change and improve it by my own suggestion whenever I wish.

-Time and again I see confirmation that my world is changing just as I planned it to change, and I find the changes better than I imagined.

-Answers to every question come to me in some clear way, including quick and unexpected, and from within.

For a special pick-me-up treat the Universe “threw” me a cowboy… I said before that cowboys are my blood type.. They are able to heal me by reminding me where I come from, and what I’m made of.. This one is a confirmed bachelor, but promises he’ll make me smile until my Diamond shows up…

Remember my Diamond?… The REAL thing the Cubic Zirconia Golf Pro left me hungry for?

In the meantime the cowboy sits with me and we watch afternoon thunderstorms roll by.. He soothes me with his soft southern drawl, calling me “sweet pea”…  He listens to my words, even reading things from this blog, without saying things like “well thank you Dr. Freud” or some other put down the Ex was so fond of… He is a balm until the Diamond arrives, and I am healed in his presence.

Because of these gifts I can almost believe in a Diamond… Almost.

Sally says he’ll be so good to me it will make up for the 12 years of bad I had with The Ex… She says she KNOWS this, and that she will hold the knowing for me until he arrives… I’m thankful because that is one area I lack faith… I still dare myself to dream.. hope… I contemplate it…..but the knowing can still escape me….

If the truth be told I Probably “contemplated” both the Ex AND the Golf Pro right out of my life by calling into existence the man of my dreams…

Want to hear what I say?

I’ll tell you but don’t tell anyone…

I say, “I am a Queen and I am blissfully mated to my King, my Knight in Shining Armor.” Sometimes I add “a grown up man who loves and adores me and treats me with kindness and respect.” It’s this last part that would have run The Ex & The Golf Pro out of my life on a fast rail…

Then I read something by the Pioneer Woman talking about Marlboro Man and borrowed part of it as my own..

“Thank you God for this man…

The Stealer of My Heart

The Recipient of My Affections

The Keeper of My Joy

The Lover of My Words & Mind

The Igniter of My Passions

The Friend & Asset of My Children

The Eater of My Cooking

The Hero of My Love Story

The Disruptor of My Sleep

The Subject of my Daydreams

The Tickler of My Armpits

The Poker of My Ribs

The Balancer of My Craziness

The Calmer of My Storms

The Manager of My Remote Control

The Love of My Life

Amen”

I contemplate these things I want in my life. I contemplate and I express thanks for them until I can almost feel them... until I can imagine they are real.

I look for the opportunities in the midst of my loss, and amazingly…miraculously, they appear and even multiply before my eyes.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you more about the weight loss… It’s up to 80lbs by the way…but I’ve run on too long tonight…

Thank you for reading these notes… Thank you for being such a huge part of my healing.. Maybe someday I will hold your knowing for you when you need it… Send me a tumbleweed and let me know..

Angels on your bodies.

Prairie Girl.

Snake Handling

I’ve been a long time wandering and while I’ve not written, I’ve had a lot to say… Just no time to say it… I’ve made notes though!

Life is speeding by faster than the proverbial bullet.. I know it’s all good.. I’m still breathing, upright, not duct taped to the floor and drizzled with fire ants. Though I fear there was a brief plan by the spirit guides to do so when I was my most grouchy…

I’ve had to add a possible snake meaning to my list… I’ve said I believe seeing one meant possibly pushing or resisting change, but what if there’s a third possibility?

My recent upheaval and consequent writing lapse started 2 weeks ago when I almost stepped on a snake while out walking.

Well, I need to be honest... I didn't actually almost step on it...

See…I was up by my mom's house (we live on opposite ends of the same 160 acre property.) Mom has new chickens and my dogs were thinking about killing them...

I was walking around a big juniper tree/bush to take Baby (the dog) over and show her to leave them alone.. Walking past a pile of dead leaves saw the yellow body and black diamonds and thought "Oh, someone killed a snake" then thought, "No one said anything about killing a snake" and let out an involuntary SHRIEK. The snake looked up... I ran away.... the snake rolled it's eyes.

As I vamoosed I did have the awareness that it was not the v-shaped head of a rattler but the sleek head of a bull snake... Good to know my brain could take in information even if it couldn't control my mouth.

I ran to mom’s door and started pounding for her to let me in… She laughed at me and said she was on her way to feed the chickens so I went back making her go first…. I could run for help faster if she got bit…That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it…

"Stupid human, be quiet, you're scaring away my breakfast." There it was! The eye roll again!!! Did you see it?

Anyway, mom told me that she’d heard that some Native American tribes believed that seeing snakes was a GOOD omen. That since they shed their skins it was a sign of “new beginnings.”…

At the time I was sure that she was just saying this so she wouldn’t have to load up her foster babies and drive me home because I was too freaked out to walk.

After the events of the past weeks I think she might have hit on something… New beginnings…. They aren’t always pleasant, but then again they aren’t always painful either…

I’ve learned a lot the past 2 weeks. I’m having to make some really hard changes. I’ve laughed a lot, thanks to a stranger. And are you ready for the best part?

I am officially, honestly and COMPLETELY over The Him… He will now officially be referred to as “the golf pro.” Something I “borrowed” from the new woman in his life… She’s always calling him “her golf pro” I think it’s a good description… Definitely all of one he warrants from me. He’s tried to come back into my space by picking fights via text, and then asking me to talk to him… I’ve refused… stayed silent… I honestly don’t give a crap about him and I didn’t think I’d ever see this day!!!! It feels good.

I have cowboys to thank for that…. Mmmm…. I’ve been reminded that cowboys are my blood type, where I come from. That is why they can heal me so easily. I’m thankful to the Universe for sprinkling my path with them just when I need it. One of them even sends me what I call “Cowgirl Porn” cause it takes my breath away…

Cowgirl porn... Isn't he beautiful?

I’m learning how to “change the channel” like my soul sister Gina says to do… It’s not easy, but it works. I’m gonna tell you what I’ve learned about all that… I’m taking notes, but my life is got me by the tail and is pinching it for time.

I have to move to a another state. A place I never thought I’d live in again. I’m leaving my house that I loved. I am scared, but I am hopeful. I am trying to keep my faith up. I cry daily, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my thoughts on where I want to be not where I am…Changing the channel.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for caring enough to take time out of your life to check in on me here…I appreciate it. I heal from it.

If I cross your mind send me strength and courage. I’ll write again soon. I know I’m being watched over and guided… so are you. Even when we don’t see it, feel it, believe it.. Believe it anyway. It’s true.

When we banish doubt abundance flourishes and anything is possible. – Wayne Dyer

The thing is we cannot "banish" anything in our minds, we are not strong enough - think Superman and Kryptonite. We CAN however, CHANGE our minds.. change the channel..and by doing so change our life.... more to come about this.

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl