Where In The World Is Prairie Girl?

Well…technically I’m still in Oklahoma… But I’ve spent the past few months in a kind of “immersion training”… You know like when you take a class on how to speak a foreign language and then get dropped in the country where it’s spoken, and you don’t eat if you can’t ask for it in their native tongue… Like that…

I wrote part one of what I THOUGHT I had been learning, but it turns out it was only the class description… The advertisement if you will.. Seems that the Universe thought I should take the whole class before I wrote anymore about it like I KNEW anything…
 
It’s been an eventful summer in an uneventful way.. Nothing Earth shattering, but for educational purposes it was good… even when it felt bad..


The Spirit Guides went to spend the summer in Colorado, and my wishing for “adult conversation” turned into wishing for ANY conversation…





I REFUSED to carry on conversations with the dog…. Then the dog died… true story…


So I sat here alone…..


I had quilt work…

I had play,

I’d go to cousin Julie’s pool several times a week.. It was too hot to be outside unless you were in the water… Over 30 days in a row of over 100 degree heat and no rain..

But I was alone 99% of the time.


I had a few dates..

 
I had cyberspace cowboys calling and writing..... I learned a lot…. Some of it the hard way….sort of like how using a slightly wrong inflection when speaking another language can get you a completely different dinner order….

I have learned so much and come so far from this time last year… I now expect peace every day instead of hoping for it… Happy is what I aim for now… I’ve learned the importance of happy…

I promise to finish writing what I started last spring… It sometimes feels overwhelming. Like there is so much to say I don’t even know where to begin…

I’ve got some quilt work that has a deadline but I’ll try not to be gone so long…

Angels on your bodies.


Prairie Girl..

What are you mad for? You won! - A Cowboy Zeke story…

Through a series of coincidences, in which I don’t believe, I met a vagabond, saddle tramp, cowboy, named Zeke…

Zeke has cowboy’d his whole adult life.. Working on ranches from Australia, to Hawaii. California to Texas, up into Oklahoma, and everywhere in between.

Living in remote cow camps, often alone, with no electricity or phone has made him a bit of a hermit… or else his natural hermit inclination is what made the life of a lone cowboy sing to him like a siren’s song….

After injuries too numerous to count, but all of which singly would have put a different type into retirement long ago,  he has now been forbidden to ride a horse. As one who has probably spent more time on a horse than on his own two feet, this is a new twist in his giddyup…

This new twist in his career is part of how our paths happened to cross.. He is a saddle maker and leather carver… I make quilts that LOOK like tooled saddle leather… Kinda cool huh?

So I drive him crazy, well I have that effect on a lot of people, but with him it’s by asking questions…I find him fascinating… and hysterically funny.. I have decided I might have to start wearing some sort of diaper when we have, what he’s begun to call, “story time”.. Instead of milk and cookies he gives me beer and chips... and I am inspired in both my art and my recent growth and development program…

I hope there will be more Zeke-isms to share with you in the future, (he promised me one about how a snake broke his nose.. he says involves crying and screamin’ like a girl).

I complained that no one laughs when I tell his armadillo story. He says “it’s because when you tell it they don’t believe you, but when I tell it they think this fella is just crazy enough to have done that”…..

One story he told struck me so timely (and funny) I had to stop him mid sentence in Walmart (we run into each other in weirdly random places) and write it down…I thought you would like it…

“Why are you mad, you won!”

Cowboy Zeke, being the hermit that he is, has developed a habit of talking to his animals like they are people.. He tells the horse he’s riding that there’s going to be a jackrabbit in the sage bush up ahead and not to freak out… Then lectures the horse for freaking out after the rabbit breaks from the bush as predicted…

The other cowboys give him a hard time saying “that horse can’t understand you, what you talkin to him for”… This doesn’t faze Zeke in the least…

When he loads his horse in the trailer he says “get in the truck” as the horse gets in… After awhile his brother, and the other cowboys on his brother’s ranch started doing the same thing…

The horses learned very quickly what those words meant… The boys could be across the yard and say to their horse “get in the truck” and the horse would go over and hop in the trailer…

It got to be sort of fun to see just how far away from the truck and trailer a guy could be and get his horse to load…A sort of friendly competition developed…

One day while moving cattle the guys were almost 2 miles away from the truck when they came to a gate… One of the cowboys hopped off his horse to open it… his horse waited patiently off to the side as the crew passed. As Zeke rode by he told the waiting horse “get in the truck” and to everyone’s surprise the horse trotted off toward where they’d left the trailer…Leaving his cowboy spittin, and stompin mad…

Somebody called for another truck to come get the angry cowboy, and the rest of the crew went off to finish the work…

As Zeke rode by the cowboy he said “What are you mad for? You won! Your horse loaded from the furthest away!”

I told Zeke if I was that cowboy I’d have dragged him off his horse and left him standing there.. he said no he was on a big Percheron (draft horse) cross and the guy couldn’t get to him…

As I thought about it I realized that the cowboy not only won the distance thing.. he got a nice opportunity to take a break in the shade…

Depending on how he chose to look at it it wasn’t a bad thing at all… He got a reprieve from work AND the reputation of having a pretty dang smart horse…

That’s how it is with “happy” in all of life… it’s all how you look at it…I’m making a concerted effort to be aware of how I look at my life… I now know that’s it’s not just a trivial pastime… it’s important.. How I choose to look at the “now” I’m in is creating my very next “now”…

Angels on your body.

Prairie Girl

It’s a vibration thing…Part 1

First I have to say that this is gonna get long..Long enough it’s gonna need to be a multi-parter…. Brace yourself.. Or if you don’t feel up to the extended version I’ll sum up…

1)   Savor, relish, or at the very least be content with, what is…NOW.. Meaning enjoy EVERY delicious taste of the meal you’re eating right this minute, right where you’re eating.. Don’t regret not eating at the Chilis across the street.. eat there tomorrow if you want.

2)   Emotions really are important. The communications received previously in our lifetime stating otherwise were wrong…If you’re feeling EMOTIONALLY bad..sad, down, negative… it’s a clue that you are believing an untrue thought and/or are disconnected from who/what you truly are…

3)   Feel good NOW… Be happy, content, or peaceful no matter what.. it’s important! AND.. it’s creating your next “now”…

Okay… back to our regularly scheduled tumbleweed….

It has been a while since my last transmission…or…uh… tumbleweed… but see, for the last month all I would have been able to say is that I felt like I was lying on a bed of nails, and that the lesson seemed to be “it hurts less if you don’t squirm, just let the nails penetrate’… Not a very appealing read huh?…..

So… I waited. I have learned on this journey that if I will wait….oh, and not close down my heart…. that’s important…then the lesson plan God, or The Universe, has will emerge…

What I’ve learned has been worth the wait…

What you ask could have made me feel like I was lying on a bed of nails?  Well, I’ll get to that in a minute….First I want to talk about vibrations,  and about asking and receiving….

I have said many times that I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.. I think possibly all religions, or spiritual practices, could find agreement on that fact at least.. But what about this, what if it’s more accurate to say we are vibrational beings?

That would make both science and religion correct wouldn’t it?

Quantum physics has long said that all things, seen and unseen, are just molecules vibrating (or something like that… they use all the scientific words) …

It says that the only reason we see what we see is the vibration it’s moving at…We don’t see some things that exist, like gases, yet we know they are there…. You and I are both breathing invisible air as I speak…

I won’t get into the things that are right in front of you that are “seen” but you don’t see them until you’ve looked 12 times… like….your car keys….That’s important to consider, but a whole other post..

I’m gonna keep this about me for the moment…Almost 2 months ago I asked a question (and wrote this next part).. Right before I had my crisis of faith and wrote Then God must not have a heart… I mentioned in that post that I had written a post asking we could see if we weren’t blinded by our vision… This next part is from what I wrote then…………………

In his fabulous book, Bridge Across Forever, Richard Bach says.. “Do we tune visions out of our eyes, and UFOs and ghosts? Do we tune out tastes, do we tune down our senses, until we discover that the physical world is what we expect it to be, and not a miracle more?”

It is said that a person who looses one of their senses will develop “super senses” in the ones that remain…. So then they must be already in us right?.. These super senses…We must have them innately? Have we just dumbed… numbed… ourselves down?

Yesterday cousin Julie was telling me about her super sense… She’s a hairdresser and has, more times than she can count, told a customer in her chair to “hold that thought” while she reached for a silent phone that began ringing just as she got to it…She felt the ringing before she heard it…

She attributes this to loosing her hearing earlier in life. It happened in one ear at a time and was corrected by surgery… But it seemingly woke up a dormant sense… So great is this awareness of vibrations that she can just now, 15 yrs after her last surgery, stand to be in an auditorium with wooden seats and control the urge to throw up from sensory overload…

What does any of this have to do with the price of quilting in Oklahoma?... I have no idea… It’s just what is floating around in my brain tonight when I should be sleeping…

These notes on tumbleweeds… documenting my journey to find.. what?  Love, yes… but equally as important peace.. How does one find peace in chaos and pain? How do you find hope in heartbreak and confusion?

………………..Interesting huh? Two months ago I started pondering vibrations not having a clue they would be relevant in my search for peace…I’ll be telling you more about them in the next posts..

The other day I was looking back at previous blog posts and noticed there is a something repeatedly happening in them.. I ask, or seek, an answer to a question … And a blog post or two later find I am writing about the answer… Seemingly having forgotten about asking the question…

Kind of like “when the student is ready, the teacher appears” maybe?

I kept asking for.. looking for.. peace… and the love of my life…and suddenly, teachers specializing in both appeared..

I am not a person who believes for a moment that there is only one road to Rome, so to speak. It was the realization that all roads lead there that made me leave organized religion 25 years ago.

I’ve since likened myself to a Baleen Whale… you know the toothless kind that have a mouth of broom like bristles instead… They take in a mouth full of ocean and the Baleen filters out the water and keeps the fish…I like to listen to many schools of thought, and keep the things that resonate with my Spirit…

Recently 3 different teachers/writers have showed up on my radar that seem to be teaching different subjects, but the end result is the same…..Peace.. They even use the same wording but in a different context…

It gives me goose bumps to think about.. Which, by the way, one of the teachers says is a sign that you’re aligned with your Source…. Hmmm… I like that thought..

So this brings me back to the bed of nails bit.. What made me feel like I was lying on a bed of nails?

Wanting… Wanting what I didn’t even dream I could have.. didn’t even know to want..You know what I’m talking about…You know what I want… the mate of my soul…

I want what I thought I had with the Golf Pro. He came into my life at a completely serendipitous moment.  After I’d spent 12 years being put down and treated unkindly and disrespectfully he was healing like a balm.

He knew me from 20 years before and claimed to “see” me… “get” me… and adore me for who I am. He was someone who could communicate to me all that he felt about me.

He was SO good with words. And I discovered how important words and ideas are to  me. I was like a person who had been starved now sitting at a buffet… Or uh, to use the analogy I used in the very first post here…”An Ethiopian fed steak for 10 months then sent back home with a bad case of food poisoning, and a craving for red meat.”

I thought God must really love me. What a perfect man at the most perfect time…

But then food poisoning…He started being unkind and blaming me for it, then ended up lying, cheating, and using me….And I put up with it for way longer than I should because of the “belief” that it was “of God” or something..

You who have read this story from the beginning know how I have grown from that starting point to the present awareness of how powerful we ourselves are as spiritual.. vibrational.. beings…

I have over the past 10 months practiced an energetic experiment, and have had the experience of new men coming into my life with even more of the characteristics I want. They’ve expanded my list of desired qualities, and added some to the do NOT want list as well…

But none of them are the ONE.. And they were actually making the longing for him painful.

The past few weeks have been a constant calling out of my spirit to either bring me to the relationship I so crave or else just let me flippin’ be peaceful and happy without him….

Hence the ‘”bed of nails” effect.

BFF Jan said “WHAT! Do I need to have you hospitalized? You think you need a man so bad it feels like lying on a bed of nails?!?!”

I don’t NEED a man for ANYTHING… nope.. ..not even THAT… I can take out the trash all by myself…lol

And I do NOT want just any man.. I am not lonely like THAT…I was married for 12 years and was lonelier than I EVER was living alone.…

I want communion.. I want connection on all levels… The kind that can only be achieved with the lover of your body and soul…I want happily ever after…til death....at least.

The Work of Byron Katie, I told you of in the previous posts. could only take me so far.. I came up against a brick wall.. no “question” to do the 4 questions on…If you’ve checked into those posts you know what I’m talking about…

No I don’t need a mate of my soul.. yes I want mate of my soul.. but the reality is he’s yet to show up…so.. he’s not supposed to be here yet… but… I long for him… see the issue? 

Just lay back and let the nails penetrate.. stop squirming…argue with reality and you loose…

I’ve asked God to take the desire away! Geez looeez, if I’m supposed to be this way let me be peaceful this way….

There it is again…a request for peace…..

I had it last week… Peace…I deeply, honestly, truly had it for the better part of the week…I was on top of the world content and happy…As is…. I have the teachings of Abraham-Hicks to thank for that.. look it up on Youtube… Go to Youtube.com and do a search titled just that Abraham-Hicks there..You can listen for hours… it will change your life…True story.

All the things I’m learning now have been around for years. I often feel like I’m the last to know about things… Apparently, I wasn’t ready for it… or at the very least I didn’t ask…

This blog has been all about asking.. Which seems to be the first step in changing your whole life..

I have had some sayings I’ve bandied about like facts of life over the years… I’ve even shared them on this blog before..

1)   The Universe/God has a knack for giving you exactly what you want about 2 weeks after you stop wanting it.

2)   Whatever you look for that’s what you’ll see.

3)   The journey is often as memorable as the destination.

What I’ve learned the past few weeks explains why these statements have withstood the test of time..

I’m gonna start with the first one….wanting…I hope it’s okay, but I’m gonna tell you what I’ve learned about them in multiple posts…Otherwise they’ll be so big no tumbleweed will be able to roll with them….

Thank you for accompanying me on this journey.. I hope my going down some of these paths makes you feel like you’ve had a nice road trip and didn’t have to pay for the gas…

Angels on your bodies…

Prairie Girl

Who Would I Be Without My "Story"?

This is the question that replays over and over in my head these days… Thanks to Byron Katie and The Work..

Who would I be without the story that I chose the wrong men in my past? That men I cared about and even loved didn’t value me? That I attract narcissistic men? That no man will be all that I want.. and stay? That I’m lonely? That no man I love will “see/get” me.

Who am I without all those stories to tell? Without these “descriptions” of me, and my life?

What if…. What if I just… dropped them. You know, just…didn’t believe them… tell them…What if I questioned the thoughts behind the beliefs?

I mean, do I know for sure that the men I loved didn’t value me? Just because they didn’t behave the way I thought they should?

Do I know for sure that no man will be all I want and stay?

Do I know for sure that I am lonely?...  ah that is trickier…Well.. no there are people in my life.. Just no man to share it with me in the “way” I think I’d like.. You know, winking at me across the dinner table, or over homework. Sharing his thoughts and dreams with me... snuggling up against me every night in my bed.

Do I know for sure I need a man to do that with me… well no.. I don’t.

Do I know for SURE I WANT a man to do that with me.. well YES.. the right man..

Who am I.. or better yet.. what do I get from those stories of how what is is not what is supposed to be? Well… pain, sadness, regret, hopelessness…

Who would I be if I just dropped those beliefs.. thoughts… stories?

Seriously?

I've come to believe that when we feel pain, we are believing an untrue thought... telling ourselves an untrue story...

It's not about rose colored glasses.. it's about the stories we tell...

If my lover says "I love you and I'll never leave you"  I say "good"... Then he turns and walks out the door.. If I tell myself "he's taking out the trash".. I feel good... If I tell myself "he's gone forever" I'm in pain...

Someone can take their body somewhere else, but saying we are separate from each other is like saying waves in the ocean are separate from each other...or the ocean..

Your wave may just be on a shore far away from mine... but we are all still connected.. That’s one of the side effects of being spiritual beings having a human experience…

Sometimes it's not the way we wish it would be, but reality is that it is as it should be.. Reality is God.. argue with reality and you lose…True story…pun intended.

I tell the story. YOU tell the story.

What if I just relaxed into being… here.. in the reality of what is.

Well… I would be without the pain, and angst of regret. I’d be without the fear of fucking up my future.

What if I let it be okay to be… pain free..

It’s like walking with a rock in my shoe. I’m used to the pain. I don’t know what it would feel like to take it out, so I don’t..

A woman I knew in Los Angeles who was a member of every Anonymous program known to man.. or woman… She told me once “we know how to do misery… pain…loss… but we don’t really know that we could handle happy.. What if we got happy, and then… lost it? It might be safer to stay in pain”.

But… I don’t want to stay in pain… I’m developing a real aversion to it, and a REAL taste for peace. Peace trumps even “happy” because happy can be fickle… but peace?.  Ahhh peace is bliss.

So how do I love “what is”?... Well.. I guess I start by loving me… as is… where is..

This is harder than you would imagine… Not because I suffer from low self-esteem, or doubts about my talents or abilities… I do not.. But loving myself smacks up against EVERYTHING we’re told as children..

“Don’t get above your raisin” Well, no one actually said THAT one to me.. but …how about.

“Don’t get too big for your britches now”. “Don’t getting all big headed –full of yourself- thinkin’ you’re better than everyone else”.

So how foreign it’s felt the past couple weeks to tell myself the things I would like to hear… Things like…

“I love you, and *I’ll* never leave you”.

“I love how you chose to learn and grow all the time and  the way you are willing to share all you’ve learned, even your supposed failures, with anyone and everyone”.

“I love what a good mother you are..I love how brave you are.. How you never give up on love or anything else for that matter”…

Any love song I hear on the radio, instead of hearing it and wishing a man would feel that way about me.. I let myself really feel that way about me…

It feels weird.. hokey even… and I feel a little embarrassed to tell it to you here… but the truth is loving myself/thinking to myself/talking to myself in that way does feel … like love…and amazingly… it brings the peace…

It’s also brought me a new wave of men… better men, kinder men, “step up” men…. Interesting, but no longer the goal, merely the side effect of the experiment.. the lesson if you will.

It’s still curious what can knock me off my stilettos.. but I now think I know the path to crawl back up onto them.. the way to get back to peace.

I do not know what is coming next in my adventure.. I do know that life is interesting.

Speaking of stilettos, mine will be making their stage debut over the next 3 days…. True story…I got the part of a white trash, southern floozy in the community theater play up town.. oh my God she is so much fun!…

My business is booming.. The most quilts I ever had on my waiting list before coming to Oklahoma is 8, I now have 17.

But I am learning that gratitude, while powerful, is not enough to bring peace and keep it. These good things -“ground appearing when I stepped into thin air” all happened… and yet I was still in pain…it was not until I learned to question my story..my thoughts…that I learned pain management ….and peace.

I’m learning it’s NOT about what I allow INTO my thoughts.. thoughts are like clouds they pass and do no good or harm.. not until they are latched onto and given meaning… power… belief…

We then go out and look for evidence to support our belief… A belief that is in reality a passing ball of fluff…

It’s not about what I allow to pass through my air space, it’s about what I do NOT question while it’s there.

Recently I even experimented with one of my oldest “stories”.. The one about sex that says I can’t lay my body down on a bed without leaving my heart behind… what a boring story..

I’m changing it to “any orgasm I don’t have to give myself is a good thing”.. Or how about this one “I can have sex when I want it, whether I need it or not… kinda like a bath”…Those are way more fun than either swearing off sex OR becoming heartbroken or attached after having it…and just for the record… so far so good… the new stories are working…

I’ll post more soon, but the Spirit Guides will be home soon… meaning “class time”… they are my BEST teachers… Oh how they can throw a monkey wrench into everything I think I know, leaving me sputtering and muttering on the floor… Wish me luck…

Please be advised these ramblings are just my current travel log and may have no real use for human consumption… I am aware that I may be completely full of shit… My eyes ARE brown you know… just sayin’…

Angels on your bodies.

Prairie Girl

Running With Scissors...

This has been a hard week. God and I patched things up, but I have had heartache like I haven’t known since the beginning of this blog…

I am one who questions, and analyzes EVERYTHING, especially when I think I did something wrong…I don’t like to make the same mistakes twice.. I don’t want to have to learn the same lessons again…I HATE being heartbroken. It is a kind of pain I cannot escape or get relief from quickly…

This week I have questioned… and I have bled…

It seems I am being forced to choose… shrivel under pain… or grow…

I wish I could say I am brave, and that is why I choose to learn and grow, but that would be a lie…

The truth is I have a very low tolerance for pain.. Especially the kind that comes from the inside like this does.. The kind that feels like you cannot do anything to escape it.  Like there is a knife lodged in your gut, actually, harpoon was the word that kept coming to mind this week…

Sometimes it will let up for a brief spell, and you can get a moment of relief… But eventually you have to take a breath and the pain returns…

I try not to “bleed” on these pages… I don’t know why… I guess I feel like I need to have things figured out before I write them here…But that left me no place to get them figured out…

 In His goodness (see we’re getting along much better) God has given me a place to bleed.. To learn… And to heal… My Valley Girls…My Siren Island… They know just how long the bleeding should last to cleanse my wounds, and what medicine to put on them to start their healing..

They also know the answers to many mysteries of the Universe…They shared one with me this week…

Some of you may already know it, Some of you will think it’s rubbish.. But I am going to lay it all out here because it has honestly, CONSISTANTLY, REPEATEDLY… STOPPED the pain ..WHEN I do it that is…

See, the Spirit Guides are with their dad this week, and  I was supposed to be somewhere else… with someone else.. but he was not real…

How do I know this? Well, he threw me away like a candy wrapper the first time I did not make HIM feel good, because I myself was in pain... I tried to explain it, but it fell on deaf ears .. pounding the truth into me… NOT REAL..

Still, foolishly… I miss him… The Voice …..He is one of the most “stubbornly” heartbroken and tormented people I have known.. But I cared for him so deeply… It feels sad to admit, but I still do..

Some days I had to YELL… I had to tell myself to “Shut up, turn around, face forward, and FOCUS!” No real friend would have thrown me away like that… not looking back.... not giving me the “benefit of the doubt” . I could not have mattered to him in any way. …Not real.

This only twisted the knife deeper…  turning my pain to hopelessness..

See, of ALL the men.. in my life, only two have had the “gift” I so treasure… The Golf Pro, who was truly poison and in hindsight, I see did not actually have the gift, it was just an act.. And…..The Voice…

Why did he come into my life at all? It feels cruel.

What’s the lesson here? It’s not like I was running with scissors, or playing in traffic….Can I please just learn it so I can move on?

Be careful what you ask for… Isn’t that what they say…

This is what I heard this week…What if… What if my feelings of pain, discomfort and stress are an alarm that I am believing an “untrue” thought?...

This possibility has cracked my head open. Yet I feel inept to share any of this. Who am I to pretend like I “know” anything..

I do good to just stay afloat most days…And I can’t promise I won’t fall down again. I only know that so far, I have been able to do this technique and get some relief from the pain in my heart...

This “technique” is called The Work.. It’s by a woman named Byron Katie…

When the pain returns, which it seems to always do, I can use The Work to question the thoughts that bring the pain.. Because that IS how it happens, how it works… A thought comes along and without challenge or question it brings me to my knees. I hope to learn to question them more quickly.. I hope it becomes second nature, and can become be a tool in my arsenal of healing…

I’m going to post some video links.. I’ll also share a link that has a downloadable outline of her book, and a bunch of audio clips… 

The Work Of Byron Katie MP3's and outline 

I feel like the videos explain it better though…

After the video links I’ll write the words I’m using to pull the harpoon out of my gut…

A summary of The Work by Jenny McCarthy.. She talking about a down-loadable movie about it called Turn It Around...

 "I hate my body"....

"I need to know why people love me"...

"Unconditional love happens in a questioned mind"...  Talks about death...

Here's a link to The Work's website with these videos and more listed...

The Work of Byron Katie - Videos

 So how has this helped me? Well, when I feel pain about the Voice, when I feel like he threw me away … I say to myself..

So he should have “kept” me?

Do I know this is true?

Do I absolutely KNOW that it’s true, he should have kept me? No, I do NOT know this is true. Reality is God and when you argue with reality you loose… The reality is he didn’t keep me.

How do I feel when I have that thought “he should have kept me”? I feel worthless, used, unloved..

Who would I be without that thought? More peaceful, accepting…happy

Turnaround- “I should not throw me away” “I should value me”.

Well, if not KEEP me he should have been my friend, been as kind to me as I was to him.. given me the benefit of the doubt…

So… He should have been kind to me, should have been my friend?

Do I know this is true? YES..

Do I absolutely KNOW this is true? He should have been kind to me and been my friend?… well…yes.. though reality says he wasn’t..

How do I feel when I believe this thought? Unloved, unappreciated, unseen, unvalued…

Who would I be without this thought?.... More powerful, feel like I owned my decision.. like I decided to be kind regardless of what I was getting in return.. More accepting, of myself… feel good for being kind..

Turn around –ahhhhh…. “I should be more kind to me, a friend to me”…

Here’s a hard one…

He is the only man that could move me the way he did with words…… mmmm… AND sex…

Do I KNOW that is true?…No but I’m afraid it is.

Do I absolutely KNOW that he is the only man on the planet that will ever move me with words AND sex?...No

How do I feel to think that thought? Bad, hopeless, lost, lonely… SAD…

Who would I be w/out that thought….happy, free, excited to see what comes next….

The moral of this saga is that I am learning to be kind to myself so I hopefully will stop drawing unkind men to me…

I am learning to love myself.. I’m still not sure what the flip that looks like, or means but I’m trying…

And… I’m learning pain management…

What if ….what I feel when I remember the Voice isn’t sadness, but.. love… Do I ever really want to “get over” loving someone?  In truth, he was as real to me as many of you here are…I’ve heard it said that no act of love is ever wasted…I choose to believe it applies here.

I know I want a mate. Not just ANY mate, a mate to my “soul”….… This thought does NOT bring me pain.. So I will let it stay… And until he appears, I will work on becoming a soul mate to myself..It is not as easy as I would like…

I had an insight this morning. Remember that feeling of being loved that I first thought was the Golf pro thinking of me, and later thought was maybe the Diamond?.. How about this.. What if it was just me, loving me, all along?.. I like that thought…

In the past it has been hard for me to feel love for myself like that… Hard to accept it from others too…  It becomes like a “hot potato” that I feel the need to pass off quickly..

I’m trying to practice just sitting with it… and maybe .. if I can master that.. I won’t sit alone…

I know this stuff I’ve written today is “out there”, and if some of you never read another blog post again I will understand… To be honest I’m never sure why you do in the first place I just feel so grateful that you do..

I feel grateful that you are here.. loving me through it all…Letting me heal by tying these thoughts, lessons….a “travel log” of my journey… to tumbleweeds and send them out of me…

As a side note, I’ll confess that I hid the entrance to my pond for a bit, took down my online profiles. But the Sirens had me put them back up.. only with SEXIER pictures… and chastised me to be tougher on some rules.. Rules that would have ether made the Voice real, or weeded him out,  before he got so deeply in my heart.

Since they patch me up when I fall, I’ll do it their way for a bit and see if I can learn to glide more gracefully, with fewer impalements on sharp objects…

Thank you for loving me through it all…

Angels on your bodies..

Prairie Girl.

Emergence....

Emergence…. Did I “call” myself thru the darkness of the night by saying I would in fact.. emerge? That is what Sally thinks…

I actually slept through the night Sunday night… first time since Valentine’s day…Hmmm… Valentine’s day…the first day I first heard that Voice…The Voice I loved... I don’t want to talk about the Voice right now.... … Maybe I’ll talk about it later but right now it feels sad…

I don’t think there is any significance between sleeping and the Voice, because the Voice has been gone for days now… Since a few hours after I heard about my pastor’s wife..

I do not know why I finally slept… but I’m thankful I did..

I had little faith Sunday that I would see, much less feel God, but I went to church anyway..

It was beautiful.. it was simple, and unpolished, as most everything in that church is…

The woman who spoke was the dead woman’s best friend. The person their 12 year old daughter was named after actually..

She had been asked to do the service last week, before her friend died… and had chosen to speak about storms….It was… lovely.

Some of you know my history, but I realized the other day that most of you do not…

When I was in my early 20’s I worked for, and traveled with, a well-known non-denominational, charismatic, evangelist in the deep south.

In one of the first posts here I told of my not -so-impressive “talents” with psychic phenomena. I think I even said a little about how they were used by the church…

There is more to tell… I have seen things… done things.. that I cannot explain. I will tell you about that soon, but what’s relevant to this story is that when I left that ministry I never darkened the door of a church for anything but a wedding or funeral again. Not in more than 20 years.

But this pastor …was different.... He was able to walk that fine line between speaking of God and speaking of Love… Does that make any sense?

There was no judgment, just enlightenment… which maybe is all the explanation needed…

He uplifted, educated, and encouraged me to be a better person without making me feel judged for who I still am.. This has not been my experience with organized religion in the past…

So…I kept going, and every Sunday continued to be surprised… and blessed.

As I left the service this past Sunday, I told him so… Told him that I’d been away from church for 20 years and he’d brought me back… He sobbed.

My heart hurts for him… It’s hurts for his daughter…And selfishly, the past few days, my heart has hurt for me.

I missed the Voice.

Selfish… wow, that’s hard to admit…I don’t want to see myself as selfish but I guess I have to admit I am. That’s what the Voice called me… Interesting….

I guess this brings me back to the Voice…You know the one I’m speaking of…The Voice I let myself love… The one I thought saw me but really seems to have only been transmitting vibrations from a distant source…

Do you remember the time before satellite radio?

I remember being a kid and driving long distances at night… Riding in the back of the car just waiting for night to come because you could get all kinds of radio stations that didn’t come in during the daytime… Broadcasting from sometimes even two states away…like magic.

Back then I lived for those radio theater-stories that you could only hear on the radio at night…. I loved letting the words create pictures in my mind.. Pictures projected against blackened windows reflecting only the insides of the darkened car…

Well, that is what the Voice did for me these past weeks… Reflected the insides of me. The things I thought no one else could see… The lovely, and the beautiful. The brave, and the special. And apparently the not so beautiful too…

There’s a saying I’ve heard my whole life “Believe only half of what you see and NONE of what you hear”..

Well, this would mean I could believe none of what the Voice said?

Or maybe this is the exception to the rule.. I could believe just half of what I heard… But then…should I throw out the negative and only listen to the positive?.. Maybe.. But didn’t we just establish some truth to the negative?.. I am selfish… But maybe just not in the exact way blamed.

The Voice taught me many things. I feel so grateful and blessed for the brief time I heard it.

It taught me;

1)   To be open to God, and His plan. That is, on the days I believe in God right?

2)   That everything happens for a reason, even chance meetings… No matter how brief..

3)   That I have gifts…One being that I am “perceptive”… “sensitive”.. Another being that at times, my words can be good like medicine… I like that thought.

4)   Also, that I give too much. And, if I am not careful, “takers” will drain me dry and cause me pain. 

This last is interesting in light of being called selfish, because my act of “selfishness” in this case felt to me like “self-preservation”.

I gave the best I could. But when I was feeling so much pain it was keeping my stomach in knots.. My heart in knots.. I had to stop, change… say “ow”…

I must confess that my words were not like medicine at that moment.. unless getting shot in the butt with a dull needle full of bile counts as medicine..

My words were interpreted as being “unhappy at not getting my way”.. not getting what I wanted…

There “might could have been” other choices….alternatives… compromises… but that would have taken reality….Not just transmissions from the “ether”..

It still feels bad to think that I hurt someone I cared about by trying to take care of myself. I do not know how I could have chosen differently.

The Voice was magic to me… And just between you and me, I choose to believe it still is... Wherever it is..

I like to believe that it is broadcasting in the darkness… doing its beautiful projection for some other passenger in a darkened car.. Maybe giving her hope that someone real will come from afar and say those things in person…

If it’s okay, for right now, I’m choosing not to hope for that for myself…Not to look for the source of the transmission…Just for now…I feel like resting… Please don’t be disappointed in me.

For right now I choose to be happy even if I have to “fake it until I make it” I’m going to choose happy…

"If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem." Richard Bach

Sally says we can release the bondage of the chains holding us if we just release judgment of them… The people, events, choices that have left marks across our hearts, our very fiber.. were necessary to make us who we are today… If we release our need to judge them… good…bad… a mistake… we will be able to see their gifts…

I am the person I am today, and have the beautiful Spirit Guides, because I spent 12 years with a prick…If I release the judgment… “he’s a prick” I can focus on the gift…

Today, I’ve been focusing on my gifts… When I hug the Spirit Guides today I don’t just press a cheek to their head.. I feel… every strand of hair… I smell… the outdoor scent of kids who have been playing.. And I pray I never have to practice these lessons after losing one of them…

Someone might call me a failure for being divorced.. Say “you did it wrong, that marriage thing”… Well… I choose to release judgment of me too…

“You're always free to change your mind
and choose a different future, or a different past.” Richard Bach

How does one change their past? What is a past? Its just the story you tell… So to change your past you tell a different story…

You “re-frame” it… I like that thought… Re-frame the story like you would a picture… Tell it differently…. Of the relationship that “failed” tell yourself it lasted the perfect amount of time… … How do you know? … Because if it had had an extended shelf life it wouldn’t have gone bad…

What gifts did you take away from it? Would you be as patient and appreciative of the good in people if you had not experienced someone treating you badly?

You get the point…

Happy is not a natural, effortless state.. It, like love, is a choice. And if you don’t consciously make it you may unknowingly push Happy away with both hands when it comes near…

This brings me back to the 12 year old girl who says God must not have a heart…

As a Hospice nurse for many years, my mom experienced many things that cannot be explained other than to say that we are more than our bodies… More times than I can count when one of her patients died, family in other locations.. sometimes different states.. would report that, while they didn’t understand it at the time, at what turned out to be the exact moment the patient died, their children got out of bed and started playing. Later saying they were playing with grandpa..

Or In one instance when the parent got home from the hospital where her mother had died, her child said “Grandma stopped by and said you’d be home later and to tell you not to worry about her”…

I’ve told my mother that if anything ever happens to me while my babies are little to just know that there was a reason.. There was something they needed that I could only give them by being in a “different” form.. Outside of this imperfect and often weary body…

That is the only thing that brings me peace…The thought that there is a plan, and while I don’t know it yet… maybe that girl’s mama did.

This morning I was tired. I didn’t want to work out, but went to the gym anyway.. I definitely didn’t want to swim.. but cousin Julie was already in the pool so I did…

After a while I realized that the only other woman in the pool with us looked familiar, but not from being there before. She was the guest speaker at church.. The best friend…

So, I went and told her how she blessed me.. I told her these things in my heart that I’ve told you.. and in the deep end of the pool, we treaded water.. ..and cried.. Life is strange.

This is the verse from her service that struck such a chord with me….

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

When we got home from church Sunday we had Sally’s wonderful husband look this verse up again...I then read my previous blog post to her.. She laughed when I was done and said.. “emerged huh? That’s an awful lot like through”…. Which had been the recurring theme of the message…

I spent the rest of Sunday evening feeling a little bit happy… It lasted all of Monday too… I can’t explain it.. I’m not even gonna try.. I will just CHOOSE not to look a gift ‘happy’ in the mouth… To just enjoy however long it might last..

Today.. it’s taking conscious choice again.. But HEY 24 hours happy!!!!!!!!! That’s progress.

I wish you a gift “happy” too.. And when it comes I hope you rub it all over your body and savor every second of it…I love and appreciate you more than you can ever know...

Angels on your bodies.

Prairie Girl.

“Then God must not have a heart”….

I started off yesterday with a question…

What do you think you could see if you weren’t blinded by your vision… If you didn’t limit yourself by what your eyes tell you they see?

But as my day ended I no longer cared about the answer. I no longer cared about much of anything to be honest…

Today all I hear are these words rolling around in my head… “Then God must not have a heart”… and today…I do not have the strength to argue with them…

The sweet preacher who has ministered to, and taught me so much, these past few months lost his wife unexpectedly yesterday morning… Their 12 yr old daughter, who is autistic, said those words when they told her.…

As my day ended… I too questioned the heart of God.

I know of three of my precious soul sisters who love and encourage me on this blog have lost children in the recent past…

Two of them also suffered the unexpected loss of marriages this past year alone…

And here I sit.. post after post lamenting my lonely heart.. How insignificant is my broken heart in comparison…

I speak of how I ask God this, or believe in God for that, yet is there any doubt that my friends and my preacher did the same and God seemed not to hear them…

The pastor’s wife was fine 2 months ago then fainted. Come to find out she had a tumor pressing on her brain.. Dangerous operation.. but she came through with flying colors.. Went through rehab with amazing success was back at church last Sunday…. No one saw it coming…Not now.. not after coming so far.

It’s the hope being dashed that feels cruel..

The Knight appearing at the pond, only to walk away and not look back.. Why let him appear at all?

Why let us hope? Just to watch us be brought low?

My mother says when we ask God for things… really important things… we don’t think about the fact that God might have just said no… That it wasn’t the right thing for us, wasn’t the right time.

Or possibly that the other soul we were praying for or about had a journey of transformation of their own they were on…

She likens it to a parent who tells a child “no” they cannot do, or have, a thing they ask for.. The child honestly believes that the parent truly does not care, or understand them,  or love them..

I do not know what to feel or believe tonight.

I am soul sore, and bone tired.

So, tonight… I’m going to lie down and let all that is in me drain from me.. and I will sink…

Sink into the sadness that surrounds me, and covers people I care about..

Sink into the acceptance that I may never really find what I’m looking for..

I’m going to sink into my aloneness and let it be… it really does not feel so bad tonight...  

Tonight…I’m laying down my striving.. looking.. hoping.. believing. I’m going to let it all seep out of me.

Try not to think less of me for laying my faith…..my dreams ….down for a little bit. Tonight they are just too heavy.

I thank you my sweet friends who have loved me all through my journey… Taking time to tend to me, and bless me, even in the midst of your own grief. You are so brave, and beautiful. And tonight you are the closest thing I see to God…

I can hear my great grandma’s voice saying “this too shall pass”…

I do not know how I will have transformed when I emerge on the other side of this.. but, I do know I will emerge…And most likely. continue to blab.

Prairie Girl.