Do you remember a movie from the 80s called Romancing The Stone with Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas? Well,in the opening scene Kathleen is finishing up the writing of an epic romance novel, and then bursting into tears after typing “the end”….
That is not unlike what happens to me after I write one of these posts…Especially the really upbeat, Pollyanna positive ones…I hit the floor.
So… after writing the original draft of this post, instead of publishing it… I waited... Waited for the wave to come, and it did…
I think it’s progress to say that it didn’t put me on my knees. But I do have to admit that I still have words ”OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!” resounding in my head…
I know I must be quite trying to God…But to his credit he is patient.
I’ve been promising to tell you about Cowboys in cyberspace, otherwise known as my online dating experience.. Well, the fact that one of my cyberspace cowboys is currently a follower of this blog does make it harder to write about them…. But…He is special, this Sundance Cowboy..I’ll get back to him and the gifts he has blessed me with in a minute but first the much promised online thing…
I pretty much told you the gist of it when I told you about energy being like Aunt Clara on Bewitched… We have this ability to magnitize but I haven’t perfected it yet… Here’s what I did that started this adventure.
Last September I wrote a profile that was a little hard sounding according to my new found Valley girl-cyber-soul sisters.. maybe a tad bitter they said… but … as it was it made a fantastic experiment…
On the online dating sites you can see how many people look at your profile, and can look at theirs..
At times, like when I first moved here and was feeling so “high energy” I would get 5, 10, 15 hits on my profile a day.. Guys would send “kisses/flirts”, pre packaged lines, or even emails... on days when I was “down” the number would drop… BUT, here’s the weird thing… during those days when the emails were going back and forth between the Golf Pro and me not ONE hit on the profile! NO one even looked!
I met great men, both in person and telephonically. I have been healed and educated, but truth be told I’m feeling tired of the whole online thing and will not be renewing my subscription when it ends in 20 some days.
I am so glad I did it. I have met people that have changed my life for the better, but I think I’m ready for one to walk into my café and let me handle his hamburger in person some Monday soon.
I want to tell you now, what I’m learning about a sneaky, insidious, Kryptonite derivative called Nasty Voices…And also about miracles…
Which brings me back to the Sundance Cowboy… If you’ll excuse me for a minute, I’m going to tell him just one thing, and then... I’m going to write as though he will never read another word I write here.
“Sundance, I may not know all you are, but what I do know, I love very much. You are a brave, beautiful, and noble spirit. I see your light even though you believe it is been trampled out. It is not gone, but merely covered by armor that is mud spattered, and blood strewn. You have been through the wars, as have we all, but you still desire to stand, and love, and give … And seemingly unbeknownst to you, you shine. Angels on your body Cowboy.”
Now for all you hopeful romantics that love me, you need to know that at the time of this writing I’ve never actually laid a finger on him and there’s a chance I never will, I have no illusions that Sundance Cowboy is anything more than a passing messenger.. but, that takes nothing away from the gift he has given me recently. He’s given me hope. Hope that what I’d only had once before in my life was real, not just a fluke….
Remember the “steak” I grew to crave from the Golf Pro? Then later made myself ill when I refused to walk away from him because I didn’t believe I’d ever get it again?. …
What I crave is words.. Well more than words. Communion. The communion that occurs when you share your very heart with another person and they do the same in return…
This might be a “negative” belief I have to heal, but it’s been my experience that this is an ability that is not often found in the males of our species. The ability to easily and willingly look at their thoughts and feelings and share them freely with you ….. AND equally important… the seeming desire to know yours in return. That is the gift I’m talking about…
The Golf Pro used the gift to save me from The Ex. Used it to rebuild the places that had been broken down and crushed inside of me.. …
The Sundance cowboy has this gift as well, and he has unknowingly used his gift to give me hope…He has given it to me so generously and lovingly over the last few weeks, that places in my heart that were so dried up as to feel barren, are dancing in rain.
He’s proof that diamonds really do exist! They are not just an urban legend or one time freaky manifestation of a passing cubic zirconia … And better still, you can find them on the internet!… <head smack> I shoulda known that right? You can find ANYTHING on the internet…
I have studied relationships my whole adult life…Wanting to learn what it would take, what I would have to do, to have one of THOSE marriages… The ones like SAF Sally has… One that after 28 yrs. 4 kids, and challenges that might have blown a lesser couple to bits… they still not just love but like each other…Still pat, play and tease… He puts his arms around her and snuggles into her neck from behind in the middle of everyone and she will reach up and pat him back without missing a beat of conversation… They still like each other… They still WANT each other…
I have said here before I do not need a man… I don’t NEED a relationship…I definitely don’t need a dad for my kids. I don’t need rescuing in ANY way… I do not need…but oh…oh how I WANT….THE man… the lover of my words and heart…remember my list? My thankful list?
“Thank you God for this man…
The Stealer of My Heart
The Recipient of My Affections
The Keeper of My Joy
The Lover of My Words & Mind
The Igniter of My Passions
The Friend & Asset of My Children
The Eater of My Cooking
The Hero of My Love Story
The Disruptor of My Sleep
The Subject of my Daydreams
The Tickler of My Armpits
The Poker of My Ribs
The Balancer of My Craziness
The Calmer of My Storms
The Manager of My Remote Control
The Love of My Life
Amen”
I’ve learned that as my faith grows the men that come to me have more qualities on this list…
SAF Sally’s daughter Kendra has told me often the past few months of her experiences and heart break before she met her wonderful husband.. She said that every guy that showed up that she thought was great and would then break her heart, was better than the last. And when she finally let that belief become a peaceful knowing, Josh appeared…
So as I was thinking about it the other day I could sorta see that every guy has been just a bit better than the last.. but ….
It wasn’t convincing enough to give me faith that I might could actually have the love I desire… Then I came across this list.. I hadn’t looked at it in a few months.
With the appearance of the Sundance cowboy, I realized the items on the list I had the least faith of ever really getting were indeed possible.. “lover of my words and heart”… Cowboy not only loves my written words he loves hearing them as I SPEAK! No man in my life, except the Golf Pro and that was short lived, ever just loved to hear me speak.
Ah with that thought, and that’s all it takes, one thought… here they come…The Nasty Voices… You know the ones.
Those voices that begin whispering… then twisting around your every thought whenever the possibility of getting what you most wish looks possible…
Those voices torment me like a psycho killer in a slasher movie…I run.. I distract..but they follow me relentlessly…
Saying things like
“No one will find you worth it after the new wears off”
“Men only find you interesting to amuse themselves/because you’re an oddity/ to get you in the sack…but really… when all the fluff burns off.. they will find you not worth the effort… Not worth the words…. The affection… the contact.. Not worth what it would take to keep you feeling loved and warm, and basically…happy as a pig in sunshine”….
That’s what the nasty voices say… every time I dare let myself…hope..
So…. What does one do to combat Nasty Voices? Use your super powers and will them into submission?.. Focus your laser vision on them? … Chant daily “I am good enough, I am lovable, I am WORTH IT” ?… Well, you can do all that… but the Nasty Voices are really good arguers…Kinda like 8 year olds...So.. why doesn’t all that positive thinking stuff work?
I think it’s because Nasty Voices are part Kryptonite… THAT is why they are impossible to use your super powers and obliterate them… But I think… that just maybe… I have learned a trick to render them quiet…Want me to tell ya?..Okay, come closer and I will…
I’m sure you’ve heard that what you resist persists right? So, don’t resist them… What? You say.. Believe them? Let them run/ruin my life?
Hell no…out smart them… out sneak them…by LOVING them (they NEVER see that coming)… Have compassion for them.. Even thank them.. They came from your wounds.. to protect you from further harm. But they don’t understand that by doing what they do they are actually dooming you to repeat the past that created the need for them…
When they say… well, all the crap they say.. Stop, listen, then speak back to them “I see that you are trying to protect me from getting hurt.. I love you for trying to protect me.. I send love and LIGHT (the high voltage yet top secret super powers) to surround you. I know that you say these things because you think they will help me… But I don’t need you anymore... And I’m going to ask you to be quiet and let me do the driving now”.
If…. Just maybe.. you can hold the love…the peace.. for just a moment…it will be enough.. It will be enough of a start to free you from them….
See… I am able to recognize that The Ex was really just like my dad.. heck I’m sure most the people on the planet have had enough Oprah, or other self help information directed at them to know that most all of our crap has it’s roots in our past..
The thing I’m trying to tell myself… and believe… is that one person’s opinion does not the truth make.
Not even when you search the world and repeatedly choose to love and marry people who will agree with that original person…
There was a time when a lot of folks might have agreed with you if you said the Earth was flat… But it wouldn’t have made it true.
I’m struggling with a huge Nasty Voice today. One so big and deep I can’t even say it here. Not even to you who I know love me so much. Write that down as a first huh? Something I CAN’T or just won’t say… It has my stomach in knots..
Actually, to Hell with that…. I’ll tell you. I’ve never kept a secret from you and I won’t start now…
These are the bad ones…
“I am not beautiful”
“My body is shit”.. Oh and let’s add to that one “if you offer it to anyone you are offering them shit”
It’s funny.. you shut down a whole slew of voices, voices that have tormented you for longer than you can remember. For a minute, or maybe a day, you feel so proud and happy and peaceful.. then… POW! From out of the closet (never turn your back on the closet dumb ass!!) jumps the slasher in the hockey mask.. Fuck… Where did I leave my LIGHT saber?
I don’t know how to love those voices. I don’t know what purpose they came to serve but, I’m gonna go now and take them to my “Valley Girls”. I will let them heal them for me cause they’re magic that way… Want to know a secret about them, the Valley Girls?… They are actually Sirens… You know like in myths?…With sailors and the sea?.. Well, they let me play with them on their island… And… some days they even think I’m one of them…But that’s a whole other post…<grin>
Wish me luck..I know I do have angels on my body.. The same big strong hairy ones I wish on yours.. The ones who will carry you when your wings forget how to fly..They do the same for me, but some days I can’t remember to let them..
Actually, I have felt quite liberated from the nasty voices since writing them here today.
I’ll keep you posted on my diamond search… I told Sundance Cowboy that his diamond exists as well… That he did not miss her.. She was not the one that got away..That one was his cubic zirconia.. How do I know? Well, because diamonds last forever.
Ironic isn’t it? It really is true we teach that which we most need to learn.
Thank you for staying with me on this quest for healing, peace, and hopefully ….love.
Angels on your body.
Prairie Girl.
