This has been a hard week. God and I patched things up, but I have had heartache like I haven’t known since the beginning of this blog…
I am one who questions, and analyzes EVERYTHING, especially when I think I did something wrong…I don’t like to make the same mistakes twice.. I don’t want to have to learn the same lessons again…I HATE being heartbroken. It is a kind of pain I cannot escape or get relief from quickly…
This week I have questioned… and I have bled…
It seems I am being forced to choose… shrivel under pain… or grow…
I wish I could say I am brave, and that is why I choose to learn and grow, but that would be a lie…
The truth is I have a very low tolerance for pain.. Especially the kind that comes from the inside like this does.. The kind that feels like you cannot do anything to escape it. Like there is a knife lodged in your gut, actually, harpoon was the word that kept coming to mind this week…
Sometimes it will let up for a brief spell, and you can get a moment of relief… But eventually you have to take a breath and the pain returns…
I try not to “bleed” on these pages… I don’t know why… I guess I feel like I need to have things figured out before I write them here…But that left me no place to get them figured out…
In His goodness (see we’re getting along much better) God has given me a place to bleed.. To learn… And to heal… My Valley Girls…My Siren Island… They know just how long the bleeding should last to cleanse my wounds, and what medicine to put on them to start their healing..
They also know the answers to many mysteries of the Universe…They shared one with me this week…
Some of you may already know it, Some of you will think it’s rubbish.. But I am going to lay it all out here because it has honestly, CONSISTANTLY, REPEATEDLY… STOPPED the pain ..WHEN I do it that is…
See, the Spirit Guides are with their dad this week, and I was supposed to be somewhere else… with someone else.. but he was not real…
How do I know this? Well, he threw me away like a candy wrapper the first time I did not make HIM feel good, because I myself was in pain... I tried to explain it, but it fell on deaf ears .. pounding the truth into me… NOT REAL..
Still, foolishly… I miss him… The Voice …..He is one of the most “stubbornly” heartbroken and tormented people I have known.. But I cared for him so deeply… It feels sad to admit, but I still do..
Some days I had to YELL… I had to tell myself to “Shut up, turn around, face forward, and FOCUS!” No real friend would have thrown me away like that… not looking back.... not giving me the “benefit of the doubt” . I could not have mattered to him in any way. …Not real.
This only twisted the knife deeper… turning my pain to hopelessness..
See, of ALL the men.. in my life, only two have had the “gift” I so treasure… The Golf Pro, who was truly poison and in hindsight, I see did not actually have the gift, it was just an act.. And…..The Voice…
Why did he come into my life at all? It feels cruel.
What’s the lesson here? It’s not like I was running with scissors, or playing in traffic….Can I please just learn it so I can move on?
Be careful what you ask for… Isn’t that what they say…
This is what I heard this week…What if… What if my feelings of pain, discomfort and stress are an alarm that I am believing an “untrue” thought?...
This possibility has cracked my head open. Yet I feel inept to share any of this. Who am I to pretend like I “know” anything..
I do good to just stay afloat most days…And I can’t promise I won’t fall down again. I only know that so far, I have been able to do this technique and get some relief from the pain in my heart...
This “technique” is called The Work.. It’s by a woman named Byron Katie…
When the pain returns, which it seems to always do, I can use The Work to question the thoughts that bring the pain.. Because that IS how it happens, how it works… A thought comes along and without challenge or question it brings me to my knees. I hope to learn to question them more quickly.. I hope it becomes second nature, and can become be a tool in my arsenal of healing…
I’m going to post some video links.. I’ll also share a link that has a downloadable outline of her book, and a bunch of audio clips…
I feel like the videos explain it better though…
After the video links I’ll write the words I’m using to pull the harpoon out of my gut…
A summary of The Work by Jenny McCarthy.. She talking about a down-loadable movie about it called Turn It Around...
"I hate my body"....
"I need to know why people love me"...
"Unconditional love happens in a questioned mind"... Talks about death...
Here's a link to The Work's website with these videos and more listed...
So how has this helped me? Well, when I feel pain about the Voice, when I feel like he threw me away … I say to myself..
So he should have “kept” me?
Do I know this is true?
Do I absolutely KNOW that it’s true, he should have kept me? No, I do NOT know this is true. Reality is God and when you argue with reality you loose… The reality is he didn’t keep me.
How do I feel when I have that thought “he should have kept me”? I feel worthless, used, unloved..
Who would I be without that thought? More peaceful, accepting…happy
Turnaround- “I should not throw me away” “I should value me”.
Well, if not KEEP me he should have been my friend, been as kind to me as I was to him.. given me the benefit of the doubt…
So… He should have been kind to me, should have been my friend?
Do I know this is true? YES..
Do I absolutely KNOW this is true? He should have been kind to me and been my friend?… well…yes.. though reality says he wasn’t..
How do I feel when I believe this thought? Unloved, unappreciated, unseen, unvalued…
Who would I be without this thought?.... More powerful, feel like I owned my decision.. like I decided to be kind regardless of what I was getting in return.. More accepting, of myself… feel good for being kind..
Turn around –ahhhhh…. “I should be more kind to me, a friend to me”…
Here’s a hard one…
He is the only man that could move me the way he did with words…… mmmm… AND sex…
Do I KNOW that is true?…No but I’m afraid it is.
Do I absolutely KNOW that he is the only man on the planet that will ever move me with words AND sex?...No
How do I feel to think that thought? Bad, hopeless, lost, lonely… SAD…
Who would I be w/out that thought….happy, free, excited to see what comes next….
The moral of this saga is that I am learning to be kind to myself so I hopefully will stop drawing unkind men to me…
I am learning to love myself.. I’m still not sure what the flip that looks like, or means but I’m trying…
And… I’m learning pain management…
What if ….what I feel when I remember the Voice isn’t sadness, but.. love… Do I ever really want to “get over” loving someone? In truth, he was as real to me as many of you here are…I’ve heard it said that no act of love is ever wasted…I choose to believe it applies here.
I know I want a mate. Not just ANY mate, a mate to my “soul”….… This thought does NOT bring me pain.. So I will let it stay… And until he appears, I will work on becoming a soul mate to myself..It is not as easy as I would like…
I had an insight this morning. Remember that feeling of being loved that I first thought was the Golf pro thinking of me, and later thought was maybe the Diamond?.. How about this.. What if it was just me, loving me, all along?.. I like that thought…
In the past it has been hard for me to feel love for myself like that… Hard to accept it from others too… It becomes like a “hot potato” that I feel the need to pass off quickly..
I’m trying to practice just sitting with it… and maybe .. if I can master that.. I won’t sit alone…
I know this stuff I’ve written today is “out there”, and if some of you never read another blog post again I will understand… To be honest I’m never sure why you do in the first place I just feel so grateful that you do..
I feel grateful that you are here.. loving me through it all…Letting me heal by tying these thoughts, lessons….a “travel log” of my journey… to tumbleweeds and send them out of me…
As a side note, I’ll confess that I hid the entrance to my pond for a bit, took down my online profiles. But the Sirens had me put them back up.. only with SEXIER pictures… and chastised me to be tougher on some rules.. Rules that would have ether made the Voice real, or weeded him out, before he got so deeply in my heart.
Since they patch me up when I fall, I’ll do it their way for a bit and see if I can learn to glide more gracefully, with fewer impalements on sharp objects…
Thank you for loving me through it all…
Angels on your bodies..
Prairie Girl.
Sweet PG.. I so love this post.
ReplyDeleteYOU are a Siren.
Lilybelle