The First Note On A Tumbleweed...

Okay, so I know that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger… or at least it’s supposed to…but what about the people we don’t “kill” yet want to… not REALLY kill, just wish were dead… well not REALLY wish it because that would be too quick and not make them suffer enough for the way they harmed you..

Really, just wishing random pain, like a flowerpot falling on their head, won’t do it. They need to break each other’s hearts, hurt and betray each other the way they did you to really make you believe in “seed-time & harvest”, “what goes around comes around”. Ya know what I’m saying?

Okay let me insert here that while I have been knocked for a loop the likes of which I have never known, I have merely been used, lied to, cheated on, and betrayed....by a man.

I have NOT lost a child. I have NOT been abandoned by a husband to have to live on the charity of others to take care of my children. I have NOT suffered a loss like so many of my friends have, and I keep reminding myself of that and thanking God & The Universe every day for all the good in my life I DO have

I just feel so stupid, so gullible, but most of all so sad at loosing what I thought was real. A man I believed was real but, as it turned out, was really just cubic zircona.

My problem is hope. Faith, or a lack of it. I have always been a cup is half full girl  but now my “jewelry/diamond” cup not only feels empty, I’m aware that it’s been empty for 12 years.

I want to believe there really is a diamond out there, and THAT is the rub. Before THIS man came into my life I didn't even WANT a "diamond". Would have sworn, actually DID swear repeatedly, that I NEVER wanted another man in my life. It was just not worth the effort. NONE of it (Not even s.e.x.) was worth the effort. Turns out I was wrong.

Here's another analogy. I'm like an Ethiopian who didn't know there was any such thing as steak but was given steak for months then sent back to Ethiopia.... with a bad case of food poisoning...a palpable longing for steak... and a doubt that she’ll ever find a good one, a true one. One that doesn’t make her sick in the end.

But I’m choosing to believe. Believe in the good of all things. Believe that there are no coincidences. I am willing to, as Colin Tipping says in his book Radical Forgiveness, “be willing to see the perfection in the situation.” I am more than willing. I do see it. It all happened for a reason, just the way it was supposed to. I believe that, but then I’m just crazy that way.

I “get” that I'm just in the "waiting place." Waiting for the pain to go away and STAY away. Waiting until it doesn't bother me to be reminded of the betrayal. Until it doesn’t feel like a punch in the solar plexus to hear that they’ve found “the love of their lives” and knowing it started while he was with me! Letting me show him and his kids a great vacation. In my house! In my…. Never mind….

I’m waiting with GREAT anticipation for the day that I don’t miss him. Sick huh? Not the him that betrayed me with such blatant disregard… but the him that went camping and had to climb 500 ft up the hill above his campsite to get a cell signal and send me a picture, and hear my voice, because he couldn’t go all night without talking to me… The him that told me almost daily every good quality I possess…The him I used to call and read aloud every deep and meaningful thing I discovered.. The him who would call me and have me do a crossword puzzle with him over the phone while he drove just to hear me talk….I’m waiting not to have that sick feeling that THAT him was not real.

Waiting to NOT feel SOOOOOO stupid. Because how could someone so sweet and thoughtful, and amazing, do to me what he did and really be who I thought he was? He couldn’t right?

I’m waiting until I can honestly wish him and this new woman (a woman he barely knew from HS 30 yrs ago and met again on Facebook recently, who declared her undying love, and so he dropped me like a hot rock for, after using me of course) and let The Universe take care of them. Because I DO believe in “seed time & harvest”, “what goes around comes around”.

I know that my wishing happiness, honestly wishing it for them, is wishing it for myself too. I’ve taken the “high” road through it all (except for a few wishes of heartbreak that is,) and I’m willing to reap every thing I’ve sown. 

I’m waiting for the world to turn and time to pass, because I do believe that time is my friend.

I’m waiting… and I’m trying to have faith.. To believe… in diamonds…. diamonds that don’t loose their sparkle so easily the way cubic zircona does…

I am thankful for my angel friends who lift me up when my wings forget how to fly. Who are patient with me day after day when they have to repeat the same things.. “Fill your mind with happy/positive/thankful thoughts,” “find your peace, then you will create your world from there.”

I asked my wise, and special angel friend Sally, why my intuition didn’t warn me… I LIVE by my intuition! So why I did I have to be kicked in the teeth before I could believe the negative side of the mixed messages… I honestly think it tried to talk to me, my intuition. I just couldn’t get a clear read…

I liken it to rabbit ears TV (remember, before cable?) Well, for those of you too young to remember, back when the only way to get a TV picture/signal was with an antenna on top of the television, things would interfere with the signal. Like other electronics.. say if you walked by the TV w/the portable phone or something, the picture would get all staticy/fuzzy…. That’s how my “gut” has felt for the last few months when dealing w/this man and I didn’t know why. When we got along I was “sort of” peaceful, when things were….. unsettled.. I was obviously unsettled… for lack of a better way to put it… I couldn’t find my “peace”, and I LIVE by my peace… I had perpetual static..

Sally said that I couldn’t hear my intuition because I was so “low energy” (metaphysically speaking, not like I needed a nap, or cup of coffee) from the stress & negativity going on with my ex-husband at the time.

She said that they’ve done studies and that when people are “low energy”, with guilt and shame being the absolute lowest level, that they cannot even hear or recognize the truth when presented with it. I find this interesting, and plan to study this some more. I want to know about this energy stuff cause I’m gonna work on keeping mine up…

Okay, that sucking noise you hear…. TTTHHHHWWWUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK…. Is the sound of me being pulled out of the muck and stood on my feet by nothing less than angels… I do know that I really am VERY blessed.

The view from upright is pretty good… way better than face down in the mud that’s for sure… I’m putting one foot in front of the other….trying not to slip and fall again…with every step saying “I forgive you ______ _______ . I bless and release you to the Holy Spirit, and I am free.” “I am willing to see the perfection in this situation”…. rinse & repeat…

I send this out like a note tied to a tumbleweed… blowing across the prairie…. I don’t know if anyone will find it… or read it…I just needed to say it... even if just to the wind.