Under The Waves...

Once, when I was about 10 or 11 my dad took us to the beach for vacation… I remember him trying to teach me to body surf..

When he was done I dove into a wave as it headed toward the shore and was immediately pushed down under the water. The force was so strong I remember thinking that I was going to drown. That I’d never able to rise up against all that pressure. Then I began to feel the other sensations in my body… The sand against my knees… My knees? How could that be? Then I remembered…I was only in waist deep water…all I had to do was wait for the wave to pass and raise up.. stand up…and I’d be free.

I feel so at the mercy of a different kind of ocean these past days… It feels like I’m riding the waves of everyone else’s time frames. Waves that are going to collide with each other at any minute…

Here, the waves are high and the seas are raging. People packing and cleaning and loading…. I have to utilize all the assistance I can get. This is such a massive job…

While at my destination the water is just the slightest ebb and flow.. I am heading at warp speed toward a house that is not cleared out or ready, and no real time frame when it will be…

A house that is not only a perfect solution, it seems to be the only one that works for my business, kids AND a dog…


Meanwhile, my life is here in an open gooseneck stock trailer and the wind is howling… Yesterday it even rained…

Let me say that I know I am so blessed with people assisting me. I am very grateful… but today…. today I am under the waves… Waiting for them to pass so I can stand up..

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my belongings but I know I’m heading out with them a week from today, and I’m hoping there is a safe place for them when I get there… solid ground appearing when I step into air…

I’m packing the kids and I to live out of suitcases for the next few weeks… Staying with family… Them starting a new school…

I am submitting… I am willing to see the perfection… I am scared, but I am willing not to be..

Now here’s the negative confession… Brace yourself… it’s like finding out your favorite workout guru has been having liposuction….

I am no longer feeling like a hopeful romantic…

There I said it…

No….seriously….it’s bad….

I feel like I’m done with dating… Done with men.. I mean seriously.. done….

I’ve realized that very one of them has left me disappointed in some way, and I’m tired.. I don’t like that feeling…the disappointed hopeless feeling.. I get my hopes up even when I know I shouldn’t, even when I know the guy is not Mr. Right… Not a keeper....I still feel disappointed when I am faced with the reality of it…

I hear the feminists among us saying “well done, glad you caught up to the class,” but this is not who I wanted to become… I do not want to become someone who thinks men suck.. I DON’T think they all do.. I’m just tired of test driving them.

I told Sally this morning that I needed a burning bush with a voice coming out of it saying “date this man” because I’m just too tired to do it one more time…. I’ll let you know if THAT happens.. That would make a fantastic blog post wouldn’t it? LOL… Oh it felt good to laugh for a second..

Maybe I’m just under too much stress.. Maybe I’m hormonal… Maybe…Maybe I’ll feel better when this wave passes… but in the meantime I am not brave.. I am not hopeful…and while I am not completely negative I am definitely NOT optimistic about my love life... and I felt it was only right to come here and confess what a hypocrite I am…

There… I feel a little better.. The guilt was eating me alive…

Thank you for being there for me to send this out of me to… Thank you for healing me like you do…

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl…

Weighty thoughts...

Contemplating Weight Loss

First I have to admit something to you… Every time I write a post that’s all positive and uplifting I’ll be in a major funk the next day… Weirdness I tell you. I can’t explain it. This one’s lasted a week though.

It might have something to do with the fact that half of my life is in a gooseneck trailer in my front yard. I say only half because that’s all I’m getting to take.

I think I have a house that has room for my quilting machine (my business) and the rent is a mere song… Another answered prayer.. But I’m leaving my life as I’ve known it for the past 8 years.. This is the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my life… True story.

I’m overwhelmed and not feeling my bravest, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and I am still “upright - not duct taped to the floor and drizzled with fire ants.”

While I am sad I honestly do see the perfection. I do see the hope. I’m just trying to keep my faith in the appearance of land beneath my steps into thin air… I’m trying to just keep walking and not look down..

Okay, enough of that. Lets go back to weight loss/dieting… Someone told me the other day that they were doing what I said about “paying attention” and it hadn’t worked for them…

I don’t know that I know jack shit, but somehow I’ve managed to think right about eating… I’ve lost 80lbs in the past year without dieting… Without “trying,” after years of doing every diet known to woman....

I have to say right off the bat though that if food is your comfort… Your “drug” of choice if you will, like it was for me, I’m not sure what I’m doing will work until you get rid of the need for the drug… Does that make sense?

You could switch drugs and my eating would work… I say that because I’ve acquired a tolerance (not a real taste for, unless it has frozen limeade in it too) for beer since being with the Golf Pro… I can’t drink a glass of wine as it makes me tired, and grouchy, but a beer will have the same calming effect as “medicinal fudge,” though I can drive on the fudge and I won’t on the beer.

It may be “un-enlightened” of me to drink but there you have it… I’m still evolving…

I’ve had times lately I’ve wished that I could ‘use’ sugar to calm myself, but it just tastes so bad to me now.

Since my friend told me that the paying attention hasn’t been working for her I’ve been trying to pin down exactly what it is I’ve done to lose the weight…I didn’t have to “think” about it.. I didn’t have to say some positive words daily.. I just paid attention to (contemplated?) the taste of things… the way I felt when eating them.. If it wasn’t EXACTLY the taste and texture I wanted I stopped, spit it out, threw it away.

For all of those like me with little grannies still in their heads making them feel guilty by saying “think of all the starving children in Africa” I ask you imagine the look on my sweet little Quaker great grandma’s face when, after she said just such a thing, I asked “Do you have their addresses, I’ll mail my oatmeal to them?” True story…

If you can’t bring yourself to throw it out just then, put it in the fridge and eat it later if it appeals to you then. Or throw it out tomorrow, or give it to the dog… Think of it like this - it’s better to throw it out than to have to starve/exercise it off of yourself later…

I feel the most important part about this, is the next step. Think about, contemplate, your fullness. You know how sometimes the gas gage on you car goes up and down? Your hunger/fullness is the same way.. So you’ve found EXACTLY what you want to eat.. Contemplate the exact moment when you are no longer hungry… THAT moment… If you’re not sure take one more bite.. did the hunger come back? If it’s gone stop… wait.. If it comes back you can always eat more… just stop BEFORE you hit FULL… Cause when you hit full there’s still more coming down the pike and you will be OVER-full and miserable a minute later…

I’ve had days when I am suddenly starving and the usual one piece of pizza doesn’t fill me up… On those days it takes THREE pieces and I find myself scared to death that I’m going to gain every pound back!!!.. EVERY time this happens I’ll be down at least a couple pounds on the scale the next day… EVERY time…

The last weeks I’ve had multiple days where I’m hungry all the time and I do believe it’s stress related. That being said, I’ve not gained from it… I think it’s because I am trying really hard to stop before I get the full feeling and wait a minute.. To still listen… Also I’ve tried to determine if it really is hunger, or instead thirst, or just the stress.. As long as it feels like hunger I go ahead and eat…

I refuse to judge food. I just do. It feels like spending too much mental energy on food. Which then makes me think even more about food. Spending that much time and thought on judging my food as “good vs. bad” “fat vs low fat” just makes me want to eat food even when I’m NOT hungry cause I’m thinking about it so much… It just feels like everything I used to do that was restrictive and depressing…

I say again that this is JUST what’s worked for me… I don’t know why it’s worked… I’m just thankful and amazed because after all the hard work I’ve done trying to lose weight over the years this has been so effortless I am still amazed. Every time I put on my jeans I look at them and think “those are so small they’ll never fit around one thigh!” but they do fit around all of me… Sometimes I’m tempted to be scared it’ll all come back but then I think “nah” and go on for a while longer… Since it wasn’t some big struggle to accomplish it it doesn’t feel scary.. Does that make any sense?

Send me a note on a tumbleweed if you have questions or just want to tell me I’m full of crap… Well… My eyes are brown… lol…

I love and appreciate you guys more than you know... seriously.

Angels on your bodies..
Prairie Girl

Cowboys And Kryptonite

 

I read something the other day that struck me quite profoundly… “Be prepared then for opportunity disguised as great loss.”

Hmmm…. I wonder about this… I hope that it could be true for me… but then what other choice do I have?

Well, obviously there is another choice.. bitterness, unhappiness, staying miserable.. trying to control everything or everybody around me in the vain attempt to avoid ever being hurt again…but that is not a life worth living, at least in my not-so-humble opinion..

So.. I choose hope.. faith… I choose to look for the opportunity offered to me in loss..

I am learning so much about the power of our minds…our thoughts.. our ‘intent” if you will.

When I am brought to my knees in sadness, and fear I remind myself that what we look at is indeed, what we see… what we look for is what we experience more of..

So when I am on my knees, I look for ANYTHING I can be thankful for… air in my lungs… the smiles on my Spirit Guide’s faces… I start wherever I am and go up from there. Walking gratitude… I believe it's the next step after “walking forgiveness” (Walking Forgiveness)

Someone asked me how I got over wanting to talk about my hurt… How did I get to the point that I cannot even stand to read the earlier posts on here that talk about what The Golf Pro did…  It’s hard to believe but I don’t even want to read what I wrote! I don’t want it in my mind now that it’s finally out… But, how did I get it out? Hmmm…

Well, first and foremost I do believe time is our friend… if we CHOOSE to let it be that is… Also, I think it would have to be said that I started choosing what I allowed into my mind. Choosing what I would look at, think about, contemplate.

I actually got into an argument with a friend who still checks in at “the bar” (the social networking site) and wants to tell me what The Golf Pro and the new woman are doing.. I looked at her and said do you not see me peaceful? Happy? I cannot have peaceful and happy if I put “them” into my head…

I’m not sure she really understands…

I’ve had to choose what I would allow myself to know.

What I put in my head determines what I feel. Garbage in, pain and suffering follow… Gratitude, submission, surrender in ….eventually peace will follow… Even if it’s only pockets of peace in the beginning… they really do get longer and longer.. Then one day you will find that they are the majority, and the loss or sadness is only a fleeting sensation

See… we are magic… BUT..we are also equipped with free will to decide NOT to use our creative and magical powers. And even though we are powerful creative beings we cannot, however, overpower our own minds.

That’s why diets don’t work.. We cannot NOT want to eat when we’re constantly thinking about food… Constantly making judgments about it, and ourselves for eating or not eating it..

We cannot overcome the grief of our loss by thinking about what we no longer have.

It’s just like Superman and Kryptonite… All his amazing super powers were rendered null and void in the presence of a little rock.. All our amazing creative forces cannot overcome themselves..

So how do we get past the sadness, the loss, the Kryptonite if we cannot overpower it?

We “change the channel.”

We think about where we WANT to go, what we want to feel…. We change our minds and change our world… Great-groovy-grand on a day when it’s all peaches and sunlight but what about when the weight of our loss comes over us so heavy it brings us to our knees?

Well… we go to our knees.. We submit, because we cannot overpower it… and when it lessens.. and it will.. while we’re still down there we search for one thing to be thankful for. One shining spot.. our grand-babies smile.. the fur angel who’s come and pressed a wet nose in our hair cause he thinks we’re down there to play with him… Or even a distant hope.. fantasy even, that one day we will be happy..

We think about what that would feel like… What would "us, happy" look like? We spend a few minutes there.. escaping, no matter how briefly, what we are currently experiencing as reality…

“The Wright brothers didn't contemplate the staying on the ground of things.

Alexander Graham Bell didn't contemplate the non-communication of things.

Thomas Edison didn't contemplate the darkness of things.

In order to float an idea into your reality, you must be willing to do a somersault into the inconceivable and land on your feet, contemplating what you WANT instead of what you DON'T HAVE....” - The Power Of Intention by Wayne Dyer

Contemplating.. contemplating… contemplating….  That seems to be the key… I am trying to pay attention to what I am contemplating.

So just exactly WTF makes me think any of this shit works? I’ll tell you but it might freak you out…

Here’s my reality for the past year… A miserable marriage that I thought I was trapped in.. A divorce that made my Ex nastier.. No work for me or The Ex…bill collectors ringing my phone off the wall day long.. My mom moving into my house because she’s making the payments on it anyway..Having to move away to another state with babies that I need to protect and provide for ..A lover who declared his undying love and proposed marriage only to cheat on and use me.

Here’s my “happy place” for the past 2 months.. I couldn’t pass the test (not enough math skills) for a job I applied for at the Spirit Guide’s school here… but in the town where I’m moving they’ll tutor me for the test… My quilting business here is not enough to support me.. There, they are already forming a line. I brought 2 quilting jobs home with me after my scouting trip last week.. I’m overwhelmed with the packing I would have to do to get out of this house.. Someone volunteered to do it for me in exchange for a T-shirt quilt and a bed I’m leaving behind anyway… I had 8 puppies to find homes for.. A neighbor took them yesterday to a petting zoo and found great homes for all of them…

Every step I take into thin air lands on firm ground… It appears out of nowhere… I have no other way to explain it other than that I’ve "changed" my mind.

I know that our minds are powerful. A hypnotist can make a sane, normal individual believe beyond all reason that they are imprisoned in a dungeon with walls they can honestly, physically, not cross when, in fact, they are in the middle of an empty stage. The walls existing only in their mind… The amazing writer, Richard Bach proposes in his book Hypnotizing Maria that hypnosis is nothing more than a suggestion accepted…

So.. just in case he's right… I make these “suggestions” to myself daily, then I endeavor to accept them..

-Everything that happens around me works out for the good of all concerned.

-People are as kind to me as I am to them.

-Coincidence leads me to others who bring lessons for me to learn, and for whom I have lessons to give as well.

-I am abundant to overflowing with everything I need to become the person I choose to be.

-I remember that I created this world, and that I can change and improve it by my own suggestion whenever I wish.

-Time and again I see confirmation that my world is changing just as I planned it to change, and I find the changes better than I imagined.

-Answers to every question come to me in some clear way, including quick and unexpected, and from within.

For a special pick-me-up treat the Universe “threw” me a cowboy… I said before that cowboys are my blood type.. They are able to heal me by reminding me where I come from, and what I’m made of.. This one is a confirmed bachelor, but promises he’ll make me smile until my Diamond shows up…

Remember my Diamond?… The REAL thing the Cubic Zirconia Golf Pro left me hungry for?

In the meantime the cowboy sits with me and we watch afternoon thunderstorms roll by.. He soothes me with his soft southern drawl, calling me “sweet pea”…  He listens to my words, even reading things from this blog, without saying things like “well thank you Dr. Freud” or some other put down the Ex was so fond of… He is a balm until the Diamond arrives, and I am healed in his presence.

Because of these gifts I can almost believe in a Diamond… Almost.

Sally says he’ll be so good to me it will make up for the 12 years of bad I had with The Ex… She says she KNOWS this, and that she will hold the knowing for me until he arrives… I’m thankful because that is one area I lack faith… I still dare myself to dream.. hope… I contemplate it…..but the knowing can still escape me….

If the truth be told I Probably “contemplated” both the Ex AND the Golf Pro right out of my life by calling into existence the man of my dreams…

Want to hear what I say?

I’ll tell you but don’t tell anyone…

I say, “I am a Queen and I am blissfully mated to my King, my Knight in Shining Armor.” Sometimes I add “a grown up man who loves and adores me and treats me with kindness and respect.” It’s this last part that would have run The Ex & The Golf Pro out of my life on a fast rail…

Then I read something by the Pioneer Woman talking about Marlboro Man and borrowed part of it as my own..

“Thank you God for this man…

The Stealer of My Heart

The Recipient of My Affections

The Keeper of My Joy

The Lover of My Words & Mind

The Igniter of My Passions

The Friend & Asset of My Children

The Eater of My Cooking

The Hero of My Love Story

The Disruptor of My Sleep

The Subject of my Daydreams

The Tickler of My Armpits

The Poker of My Ribs

The Balancer of My Craziness

The Calmer of My Storms

The Manager of My Remote Control

The Love of My Life

Amen”

I contemplate these things I want in my life. I contemplate and I express thanks for them until I can almost feel them... until I can imagine they are real.

I look for the opportunities in the midst of my loss, and amazingly…miraculously, they appear and even multiply before my eyes.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you more about the weight loss… It’s up to 80lbs by the way…but I’ve run on too long tonight…

Thank you for reading these notes… Thank you for being such a huge part of my healing.. Maybe someday I will hold your knowing for you when you need it… Send me a tumbleweed and let me know..

Angels on your bodies.

Prairie Girl.

Snake Handling

I’ve been a long time wandering and while I’ve not written, I’ve had a lot to say… Just no time to say it… I’ve made notes though!

Life is speeding by faster than the proverbial bullet.. I know it’s all good.. I’m still breathing, upright, not duct taped to the floor and drizzled with fire ants. Though I fear there was a brief plan by the spirit guides to do so when I was my most grouchy…

I’ve had to add a possible snake meaning to my list… I’ve said I believe seeing one meant possibly pushing or resisting change, but what if there’s a third possibility?

My recent upheaval and consequent writing lapse started 2 weeks ago when I almost stepped on a snake while out walking.

Well, I need to be honest... I didn't actually almost step on it...

See…I was up by my mom's house (we live on opposite ends of the same 160 acre property.) Mom has new chickens and my dogs were thinking about killing them...

I was walking around a big juniper tree/bush to take Baby (the dog) over and show her to leave them alone.. Walking past a pile of dead leaves saw the yellow body and black diamonds and thought "Oh, someone killed a snake" then thought, "No one said anything about killing a snake" and let out an involuntary SHRIEK. The snake looked up... I ran away.... the snake rolled it's eyes.

As I vamoosed I did have the awareness that it was not the v-shaped head of a rattler but the sleek head of a bull snake... Good to know my brain could take in information even if it couldn't control my mouth.

I ran to mom’s door and started pounding for her to let me in… She laughed at me and said she was on her way to feed the chickens so I went back making her go first…. I could run for help faster if she got bit…That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it…

"Stupid human, be quiet, you're scaring away my breakfast." There it was! The eye roll again!!! Did you see it?

Anyway, mom told me that she’d heard that some Native American tribes believed that seeing snakes was a GOOD omen. That since they shed their skins it was a sign of “new beginnings.”…

At the time I was sure that she was just saying this so she wouldn’t have to load up her foster babies and drive me home because I was too freaked out to walk.

After the events of the past weeks I think she might have hit on something… New beginnings…. They aren’t always pleasant, but then again they aren’t always painful either…

I’ve learned a lot the past 2 weeks. I’m having to make some really hard changes. I’ve laughed a lot, thanks to a stranger. And are you ready for the best part?

I am officially, honestly and COMPLETELY over The Him… He will now officially be referred to as “the golf pro.” Something I “borrowed” from the new woman in his life… She’s always calling him “her golf pro” I think it’s a good description… Definitely all of one he warrants from me. He’s tried to come back into my space by picking fights via text, and then asking me to talk to him… I’ve refused… stayed silent… I honestly don’t give a crap about him and I didn’t think I’d ever see this day!!!! It feels good.

I have cowboys to thank for that…. Mmmm…. I’ve been reminded that cowboys are my blood type, where I come from. That is why they can heal me so easily. I’m thankful to the Universe for sprinkling my path with them just when I need it. One of them even sends me what I call “Cowgirl Porn” cause it takes my breath away…

Cowgirl porn... Isn't he beautiful?

I’m learning how to “change the channel” like my soul sister Gina says to do… It’s not easy, but it works. I’m gonna tell you what I’ve learned about all that… I’m taking notes, but my life is got me by the tail and is pinching it for time.

I have to move to a another state. A place I never thought I’d live in again. I’m leaving my house that I loved. I am scared, but I am hopeful. I am trying to keep my faith up. I cry daily, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my thoughts on where I want to be not where I am…Changing the channel.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for caring enough to take time out of your life to check in on me here…I appreciate it. I heal from it.

If I cross your mind send me strength and courage. I’ll write again soon. I know I’m being watched over and guided… so are you. Even when we don’t see it, feel it, believe it.. Believe it anyway. It’s true.

When we banish doubt abundance flourishes and anything is possible. – Wayne Dyer

The thing is we cannot "banish" anything in our minds, we are not strong enough - think Superman and Kryptonite. We CAN however, CHANGE our minds.. change the channel..and by doing so change our life.... more to come about this.

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl

Soul Sisters & Other Angels

I have long believed that your true friends are the angels that carry you when your wings cannot remember how to fly… That has been the case for me. I have been blessed beyond belief, over the years, with amazing friends who are nothing less than sisters to my soul. Many of them have commented on here.

There are 3 special angel friends who, it would be no exaggeration to say, have carried me like a child tucked close to their hearts these past months… I don’t know what would have happened to me if they had not closed ranks around me like mighty warriors, nursing my wounds, lifting me to my feet, and reminding me who I am. All while helping me fend off further attacks…

Someone asked me the other day what exactly The Him did that knocked me for such a loop… How could I, a strong, independent woman who knows she doesn’t need a man, be so devastated by one man alone? I’ll tell you….someday…..maybe tomorrow… but today, I want to tell you about angels.

Sometimes God knows that you’re going to need a particular person in your life more often than usual so, to give you a break, he lets you be born into the same family. That way you’ll never lose their address, or phone number… or email.. or blog address..

I believe that is why I was given my wonderful mother...

And my cousin…Special Angel Friend Sally… She is my living spirit guide…Her wisdom is what has made me strong, and made my grief a conduit for growth…

Sally and I have been close since… well… birth… give or take 4 months…

I’ve always been trying to “get inside her head.”

 

Salsa or Bloody Marys? Pick your remedy.

Sometimes, The Universe brings people to you that are no less “family” even though they weren’t born to anyone you’re related to. For me that is my friend Jan... She is my "sister" that the stork dropped into the wrong family…. Well, I guess it could be argued that I was the one dropped into the wrong family, but I don’t think her family would have survived the two of us together. It does make me smile to imagine it though…

Jan and I became friends 14 years ago when we were both law enforcement dispatchers.. We became partners in trouble at first sight, and have been friends ever since.

These three women....are amazing.... They listened… and listened again.. They rebuilt, with such tenderness, every broken place inside of me…To restore my “knowing” they sometimes had to carry it for me, until I could have faith and know for myself again.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such love, patience, and tenderness but I am extremely thankful for it.

Writing this blog has reminded me that you never know when you’re entertaining angels unaware….

With the internet, our world had been cracked open… I know it has altered my life in so many ways it is almost mind-boggling… Everyone reading this knows what I mean…In this box… this cyber-space… we have communicated some of our most secret thoughts, and feelings to people that we have never actually met.

The “meeting” part becomes immaterial. We know and we are known in return.

I have been built up, and educated both in my art and in my life.

Yesterday "in the box," I spoke to a stranger angel in Texas who told me a story that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up…He told me of his dream of playing pro football and how it ended when he was in college, but that in hind sight (say it with me-“the clearest of visions”) he could see that God had a bigger plan for him as a musician… now he not only gets to channel the creative force of the Universe through himself, he gets to witness it’s effect on people while he does it… Very cool.. He then shared a scripture with me… (Yes, I do own a Bible, it’s pages are marked and everything…I think I just heard the sound of bodies hitting the floor in shock.)

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It struck me so profoundly that if it hadn’t been for MY recent heartbreak, I would never have started writing for my healing… The pictures that seem so “at home” here in the middle of these words might have languished forever in a box on my shelf…. A creative spring began to flow, as the river that carried me for years went dry, no longer capable of sustaining life…

They say the flap of a butterfly’s wings can create a hurricane on the other side of the world…. Imagine the power of angel wings… creating a miracle just where someone is needing it …

Every one of you is an Angel Unaware, every day… You might not get told of it when it happens. You might not know that when you looked that woman in the eye and smiled as you passed, or held the door open, or spoke that kind word (maybe on a tumbleweed) that she was feeling so alone.

You may never know all the people you touch, but please know that you are healing me… every time you take the time from your busy lives, and your own heartbreaks to pull one of these notes off a tumbleweed… every time you write something back ..You have no idea how much you contribute to my survival, and healing.

Every time I feel like raging at those that hurt me, and risk being sucked back into that pointlessness…. I come here instead and write to you.. The healing effect it has surprises and humbles me every time. Thank you…. from the bottom of my cowboy boots… Thank you.

I would love to hear about your Special Angel Friends… Who has made all the difference in your journey? If you feel so moved, tie it to a tumbleweed and send it back.

Angels on your bodies,
Prairie Girl

The Amazing Effect Of Zero Gravity..

I feel weightless today… I can feel happiness seeping through my cracks… I’m almost afraid to examine it too closely I don’t want to stop up the flow…

Kind of like when you’ve had the flu, or maybe food poisoning…and you’re feeling so much better. Your stomach finally doesn’t hurt, but you’re still afraid to make any sudden moves for fear the nausea will return… That’s how I feel. SO MUCH… Freer. Buoyant. Light enough to bounce…But unwilling to move too quickly.

I am kind of ashamed to say that I think it’s because I feel like there is a wee bit of…. Karma…. occurring for The Him this week. He’s going to have to sit through a trial all week and have his arrogance rubbed in his face, and paraded before The Woman, and the town.

I honestly hope that justice prevails, and that his life is eventually restored to some semblance of normalcy, but I do so love the idea that he was to reap at least a little bit of the conceitedness he’s sown…

Does this make me bad? I hope not.

There is something about knowing what’s happening to him that frees me. I’m afraid that that makes me a person “of little faith.” It would be better if I could be free without the knowing. Better if I could trust that God/The Universe had things in control without my “assistance.” I know this, but for today… today… I’m just gonna enjoy buoyancy… for as long as it lasts..

The gravitational pull of The Him, and the last 10 months, is just the slightest drag at my back. I feel like closing my eyes and drinking in sunshine. Like I’m a prisoner who has just been let into the yard after time in solitary confinement. I want to believe that I’m not stopping here in the yard… I want to believe I’m headed for the outer gates, and my freedom.

I know this may just a push out to sea, or my pendulum swinging to the happy spot, but if it is… then “so be it.” I’m grateful for every pain free minute.

If what I’m being taught is true, that my being grateful for my happiness will bring me more happiness, then I’m going to be grateful with all my heart.

You do know that we teach what which we most need to learn right?  So I'm gonna go talk to an audience I'm familiar with....

So, we just have to believe we're free and be thankful for it?

Wow, it worked! I sure could have done without the needle in my butt though.

Hooray!!! Go cows go!!!

Prairie Girl, and her Companions…

Which Came First The Chicken Or The Belief In The Chicken?

So which do YOU think came first?

If I believe in the power of belief, is it only my belief that makes the belief happen? Okay, now I’ve just confused myself.

What about all the good things that happen to us that we didn’t consciously believe in, or “think positive” about, but happened anyway? Were we thinking positive and just didn’t know it? Okay, well what about the bad stuff?

I do think I believe in the power of belief, but I’m not sure that I, or anyone else for that matter, really have a complete grasp of how or why it works. Is it all about saying the right words? Thinking the right thoughts?

The Ex doesn’t believe in belief, doesn’t believe in the power of words yet his came true. It took 12 years, but it happened. He said almost weekly one of these things; 1) he wished he’d stayed single because he hated living with/being around people. 2) I, along with everyone else on the planet, irritated him and he should have stayed single (kind of a repeat of number 1.) 3) if we didn’t have kids we would NOT still be married. 4) If I ever found anyone better than him not to let the door hit me in the butt as I left, and he wouldn’t shed a tear.

When I said I wanted a divorce, he screamed and cried and called me foul names. Then after calming down he said he NEVER meant any of the things he said over the 12 years, didn’t want to be alone, and that I shouldn’t be alone either… But, he got what he said he wanted. He believed what he was saying at the time, I could hear it in his voice. It looks to me like his words brought about an effect on his universe…

Now, I am trying to control my thoughts, my beliefs, and by doing so change my world.

While the common thread running through this blog has been a romantic relationship, I need to clarify something. I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do NOT need a man. I’ve lived happily alone for years. I enjoy my own company immensely.

Living alone, or being without a man, is not my challenge. I have not lost myself. I know my value, but after 12 years with The Ex, I no longer believed that any man would ever know my value as well.

Then came The Him… A man from my past returning at a serendipitous moment in my life, holding up a mirror showing EVERY good thing I do believe about myself, and claiming to value and appreciate all of it.

Great right? Never thought THAT would happen in my life. I wasn't looking for that to happen, wasn’t ‘believing’ for that to happen.. At least I didn’t think I was. I HAD been asking the Universe/God if being treated the way The Ex treated me was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life.. Think I was ‘believing’ for change by asking that? I don’t know.

What a cool twist of fate it seemed when The Him arrived out of the blue. Turns out he was a fraud, because while he might have meant what he said to me at the time, in the end he couldn't remember it, or live by it the next day, or week... He swore he was not a liar, but if that’s true, well then, that only leaves crazy. Either way, he’s gone and I now have a longing for something I NEVER even thought of wanting before; a man who knows, understands, and values me for who I am.

I hear the feminists among us groaning…. How... un... independent.. or something... of me. I know.

So now my struggle is not to feel complete, or valuable, I already know I am all that. Now I have to decide whether or not to believe I can have my heart's desire. It feels foolish to believe in that…doesn’t it? Feels like a ‘waste’ of good belief to wish for that… shouldn’t I believe for world peace, or a cure for Cancer, or something more profound than the love of my life?

It feels like I’m standing in the ocean, water up to my chest, waves up I’m hopeful, down I feel foolish. Every now and then a big wave crashes over my head and the salt water engulfs me.. burning my eyes, my nose, and my lungs. One minute I’m pulled back with memories of the past year and the loss of what I thought was a miracle, the next minute I’m pushed out to sea with feelings of hope.

Speaking of being pulled back, I haven’t been ‘to the bar’ in 3 days 8 hours and 29 minutes… though I really want to go.. Today is the day the whole legal shebang (that was supposedly the cause of all the drama in the relationship) goes to court...

He had the nerve to send me a text a few days ago, it was all I could do to keep my mother from getting on a plane and going to do him bodily harm.

The text said that he realized that I might not think he deserved it but he would welcome positive thoughts over the next few days.

I said I’d just been thinking that day that for the better part of the past year I’d thought if this day ever came, (that it actually went to trial) that I would be the one he wanted with him… weird.. I’d send thoughts. I didn’t elaborate on what kind of thoughts.. I haven’t heard a word since.

Later I wished I’d asked how it could be that the Gooey Gumdrop Drama Queen’s positive thoughts were not enough for him..Just as well I didn’t.

I do feel a bit of freedom. Nothing that happens in court today affects my life any longer. It’s none of my business. I am free of that drama and baggage… I’ll put that on my list of things I’m thankful for today.

Here’s Kaylee’s daily quote…”There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them, but it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams, than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for.”

It reminded me of one my mama always said… “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

My wish for today is that we can find at least our hope, if not our belief.

This is all just a ‘ponder’ still in progress, but I needed to tie it to a tumbleweed and send it out of me…

While I’m not sure if or how it works, I am going to be thinking, and speaking, the words that would create my happy destiny if it does….What have I got to loose right?

Angels on your bodies,
Prairie Girl

The Snakes Of Change...

Living here on the prairie snakes are an everyday concern during the summer months… I tell kids as they head to their hay fort “take the dog in first to look for snakes,” and other such warnings…

That is MY swing.. NOT his!

For years it drove my mother crazy that I would see snakes everywhere.. dead on the side of the road.. crawling in the bar ditch beside the highway.. She thought it was bizarre since she never saw them.

When I was building this house 8 years ago I saw them on the property… When the house was put on the foundation the contractor crawled under and got trapped by one blocking the exit to the crawl space.. I called a guy the Sheriff’s Dept told me about who “handled” snakes.

He came down my ¼ mile long driveway in a flat bed pickup with hounds baying on the back. It looked like “Deliverance On The Prairie.” He rescued the contractor and took the snake away, maybe made boots out of it, I didn’t ask…

I have since learned that many Native American tribes consider snakes to be a sign of change because they shed their skins. Some believe that if you see a lot of snakes that you are either “pushing” change or “resisting” change. Hmmmm… Interesting.

So last summer, before the divorce from The Ex, he began seeing snakes all around our house. In the YARD where the kids play!!! There were 2 Bull snakes and one Red Racer. He killed the Bulls but the Racer was too fast and got away…. I wondered at the time was he resisting or pushing…

Hunting the Red Racer that got away....

 
In hindsight I know it was resisting.. I was really putting it to him that he couldn’t keep treating me like crap and have anything good in life… He didn’t believe either the snakes, or me, apparently…

This summer I have seen only one snake, a Red Racer up not too far from his house, which is also on the same 160 acres as my house.. I ran over it.. and then analyzed if I was pushing or resisting and swore to the Universe I’d stop whichever it was just no more SNAKES!!!!! Did I mention I HATE SNAKES!!!!!!!!

Here’s the funny part… ready? I’ve been walking on the prairie now for weeks and haven’t seen a single snake (knocking on my forehead to keep from jinxing myself) but The Ex has had TWO up at his house. One curled up on a ladder he was about to grab and the other behind his truck…

So… he moved… and took the snakes with him… guess it makes sense.. He’s still resisting change…

Now aren’t all you city people who read this sighing with relief that no matter how you handle change the odds are against you having a snake show it to you? I don’t blame you… I HATE SNAKES!

Oh, and I HATE change too… but I don’t want to push or resist, I live near the snakes!!!!! Eeek!

I was thinking of this fact as I walked today and thanking my angels for no snakes, and thought maybe I ought to share this with you in case you had any change you were facing and pass along some advice from my Spirit Guides… They really do have a lot of wisdom…

WARNING: Not for the snake queasy... 

The Spirit Guides say just channel your inner Britney Spears and dance with the Snakes Of Change…

 
Be willing…

Be open…

Let the winds of Heaven dance you through any changes you find yourself faced with…

"Okay, now you're just weird"

Easier said than done, I know, but it beats a reptilian reminder any day.

I'm willing to see the perfection...I will embrace the change.... ohhhmmmm..

"This feels kinda icky"

Just a brief side note.. the animal in this picture was not only harmed, it was already dead... Just sayin'.. Oh, and the children took all of the photos themselves (the Spirit Guides had a buddy with them.) They'd asked to take the camera out with them to show their buddy the dead snake, I had NO CLUE they'd pose with it... Heck I didn't think my girl would even TOUCH it!

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl

Walking Forgiveness...

Everyone keeps telling me I need to “get angry” with The Him for using me, lying to me, leading me on, cheating on, and betraying me. I can do it now. I can find him truly despicable… The truth of the matter is that it’s been SO much easier to be mad at The Woman who rubbed my nose in it. It’s even been easier to be angry with his mother, who encouraged The Woman, than to be angry with him. I’m sure it’s because I loved him and not them.

Now though, I can feel anger at all of them. Isn’t that great? Now I’m officially PISSED OFF. Now what?

S(pecial) A(ngel) F(riend) Sally says “find your happy thoughts” and “fake it til you make it.”

So I look for the positive…. Hum de dum…. Is it under this rock?... over that little hill?.....

Colin Tipping in his book Radical Forgiveness (awesome book by the way, I HIGHLY recommend it and I’ll be reading it AGAIN tonight) says that all the Universe needs is that we be “willing to see the perfection in a situation.” We don’t have to actually see it, just be willing.

I am willing.

I actually can see the perfection in The Woman friending me; how else would I have known the truth about what he was doing (starting up a relationship with her?) He was so good at explaining away everything he did that fuzzed up my radar. She put an end to that with the incessant “living her life” on a social networking site.

I can see the perfection in all the amazing things he said, and the way he made me feel so good about myself. I NOW also see that he really is a very arrogant, self-centered person who honestly thinks only of himself. He tells himself that he’s a good dad, but even that’s only as long as it makes him “feel good.” His needs/wants/desires always come first.

I can see that I “dodged a bullet,” and I do believe that I deserve better…. So WHY am I so overcome with fury when I hear about, or even think about, the fact that he lives with her now? SHE HAS WHAT WAS MINE! Or, if it wasn’t completely mine it’s what I was promised. He proposed to me, he gave me rings!!!!! Okay, intellectually I know that he wasn’t really mine, and he’s probably not really hers either. We both are just suckers being used by a jerk, but still!!!! ARRRGGHHH!!!!!

Deep breath… I am willing to see the perfection…. I might have wasted years on him before getting fed up enough to let him go. Or not been able to break free of him at all (he would have continued to hedge his bets, and lead me on, I’m sure) if things had not played out exactly the way they did… Intellectually, I can see that. Emotionally… I’m getting better….

Monday was a good day. I could feel the gravitational pull weakening. Like in those space movies where the ships have that moment of hesitation before launching into hyper drive or something and blasting off. The things around here that are tainted by memories of him, and normally pack a punch to my solar plexus, felt like just a memory… no pain.. I was really pleased with myself. Then came Tuesday, and I was back to feeling furious. She has what was promised to ME!!!!!

I’m trying not to screw up my own “Karma,” “Seedtime & Harvest,” “What Goes Around Comes Around.” So I have to stop myself from wishing what I REALLY want, for them to make each other as miserable as they’ve made me. I will wish instead for them to “reap their intentions toward me," and I'm willing to reap mine as well.

When I think of it like that, I can see that her intentions were not nearly as despicable as his. She’s just desperate to have a man, and from her internet history, it appears any man will do. He, on the other hand, is willing to lie, use, cheat, and betray to feel good at all times.

I am willing to see the perfection…

The Him served a vital purpose in my breaking away from from The Ex when things with The Ex were so vile. The Ex would call me foul names in front of my children, tell them everything was all my fault one minute, (even the part where he was treating me WORSE than he did when we were married, BECAUSE I wouldn’t give him that 1001 chance,) then flipping a switch and being a bizarre caricature of what he thought a “sweet” person would be… The Him built me up.

He gave me something to look forward to in the future. The same future that I had all but decided would never get any better than The Ex treating me unkindly, and disrespectfully for the rest of my life…

The Him reminded me of how I was when he first knew me, beautiful, smart, and funny, and was actually able to make me feel that way again…

The Him kept me from crumbling under all the turmoil and madness that my daily life had become during the divorce.

He served a purpose…. even though he was just cubic zirconia… not real…

I am willing to see the perfection…. I am willing to “forgive” him for being a fake, even though he’s being bright and shiny for her now. Even though she’s bragging about what a “jewel” she has.... deep breath… he’s still just a fake…

I’m willing to see the perfection…. I know now what I can believe for… I know now what I want…. a real diamond.

Someone once said that, to them, forgiveness was “releasing the hope that the past could be anything different than it was.” I guess that’s not that different from being “willing to see the perfection.”

When I lived in LA I heard a story that has stuck with me for over a decade. A woman from some war-ravaged, third world, country was giving a talk about forgiveness to a group of yuppie LA women. I can’t remember what she had said to start the talk, but it caused a woman in the audience to ask, “How can you understand what women from our world go through since it’s so different from yours? How can you tell me to forgive when my best friend stole my husband, AND my business, and left me with nothing? How do I forgive that? How does what you’ve been through relate to that?”

The speaker said, “I practice “Walking Forgiveness” and it works for every kind of wrong. While I did not lose a husband or business, soldiers raiding my village raped me, then made me watch as my mother, and sisters were raped and murdered. I was kept alive to serve as an example, and placed in a prison cell that was not quite long enough for me to lie down in, and kept there for years. That is where I learned “walking forgiveness,” by spending my days walking the few steps I could, and with every step I said, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you”…

I have never forgotten that story.

So when I am eaten up with anger, hurt, resentment, or disappointment, I remind myself of that woman and her walking forgiveness. Even if I only take the “steps” in my head because I can’t go for a walk. I start with “I forgive you” until I can catch my breath.

I add a few more words to mine… I say “I forgive you _______ ______ (name there) and I release you to the Holy Spirit so that I may be free.” I also say, “I’m willing to see the perfection in this situation.” And on days like today I say, “I am angry, but I’m willing not to be” – repeat as needed.

I am working on my “belief,” my happy place…

In the meantime I have come to believe…That when we “forgive” someone, the person who is released is NOT the person whose name we insert in the blanks but instead… US…That the reason we ought to forgive-“become willing to see the perfection”-“accept the fact that the past cannot be any different than it is”- is to free OURSELVES from the chains around our OWN hearts.

I’m going for a walk on the prairie now, and with every step I will be practicing “walking forgiveness.” Wish me peace..

EEEK! My boob just vibrated… it’s okay, it’s only a text… My daily quote my cousin Kaylee sends me (Thanks Kaylee )… I’ll share it with you since it’s freakily perfect for this tumbleweed… “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

Interesting….

I am willing to see the perfection.

I want to be wise in my forgiveness. I like what Mr. Tipping says in Radical Forgiveness “Wise people forgive but DO NOT forget. They strive to appreciate the gift inherent in the situation, and to remember the lesson it taught them.” This is sometimes challenging for me as when I forgive I have a tendency to forget, and get hurt again by the same person….

I’m praying for wisdom to go along with my side of peace…



I’ve heard it said “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is, thank you, it will be enough.”

I tell my kids that whatever they look for, that’s what they’ll see. So they should look for the good, the positive, in their life so they’ll get more of it.

So I'll try and focus on the flower, not the deadwood.

Today as I walk, and forgive, I’m also going to remember to say “thank you” for every single good thing I DO have… even if I have to start with air to breathe, and a body that moves… I am really so very very blessed… Just look at my precious Spirit Guides…

Thank you, again, for taking the time to stop this tumbleweed as it passed..It has been healing to write them, and to read your replies that come back..
Angels on your bodies,
Prairie girl

Horses & The Witches' Cat (For Betsy)

What is it they call the witch’s cat? Her “Familiar”?

Well, my familiar is not a cat, but a horse. A mischievous, one eyed, hell bitch that I adore more than any horse I have ever known… Which is saying a lot since I’ve been horse crazy all my life.

Like so many little girls my love affair with horses began shortly after… well… birth probably.

My mom tells a story of holding me up to a fence, when just a toddler, to pet a horse that I saw from the car and insisted being taken to (I was bossy even back then.) The horse bit me taking a small chunk out of my arm. Mom was afraid it would put me off horses forever. No such luck. Can’t even remember it myself.
 

Every sentence I wrote in English class, even as a senior in high school, was about a horse. Seriously.

 I was officially horse crazy.

My mom was also quite the cowgirl in my youth, showing horses for other people. She was even kicked out of a horse show once when they found out the horse she was showing was stallion. See women weren’t allowed to show stallions everywhere back then, but she did. My mama ran with the big dogs, or ah, big horses, even back then.

Mom on stallion Chan's Champ, aka "Calhoun".

 To all the feminists, who find my continued search for "true love" a disappointing affront on feminism, know that I WAS raised right....

Needless to say, I rode every chance I got until I graduated from high school, and moved to the south to go to Bible school. I know, the Bible school part is shocking to those who know me now. How did I turn out so…well.. like me? Topic for another post..

Anyway, even down south I found people that needed someone to ride their horses for them, so I still got to ride.

Then I moved to Alaska and ended up without a horse for the next 10 years.

When I moved back to the Prairie and married The Ex, we lived on his family’s large, remote, ranch with 1000 acres of farmland, and 300 head of cows. I finally got another horse… Briga…Little did I know this horse would become not only the best horse I ever had, but a reflection of my very spirit…

Briga

Okay, skipping ahead about 7 years, I was pregnant with my second child, a girl. My OB had told me the day before that the baby was head down but that my cervix was nowhere near favorable and that she’d probably have to induce me the following week. It wasn’t surprising since my first child had been way too comfy, and might not have come out at all without induction almost 2 years before.

On this day I woke feeling kind of “fluish” and had begun to have a pain in the lower part of my abdomen. For the previous 2 weeks I’d been having a severe pain on the top part of my belly, under my right rib cage, accompanied by a hard knot that felt like someone was trying to rip the muscle from the bone. This new pain was in a totally different place and not unbearable; I figured it was just the muscles tuning up for labor.

I was home alone with my son since his dad was working in another state. He’d decided to take off since it seemed that I wasn’t going to be “doing anything” for a week. My mom was also getting ready to leave town to visit her boyfriend the next day, but luckily hadn’t left yet.

Tanner, and I went outside so he could ride his Big Wheel. As we were heading toward the creek my saddle horse Briga saw us and came over to see if we were doing anything that might get her some grain.

When I got Briga she was almost 2 yrs old. She’d been born up in the mountains, and hadn’t been handled a day in her life before coming to live with me over at the farm.

It took time and effort but we developed a trust for one another. In an unfortunate twist of fate, before she was old enough to be broke, she went blind in her left eye. A fact that makes her, to this day, edgy and a little wild.

The men on the farm said I should take her to the killers and get another horse that wasn’t “a cripple.” Of course, I didn’t listen….. I’m sure this part does NOT surprise anyone who knows me…

You see, I believe that neither true beauty, or worth, is determined by the exterior of either man or beast, but instead, by their heart. I was in love with Briga’s heart, so she stayed. I would later be vindicated when our horse trainer informed me that if it weren’t for her blind eye he’d be hounding me to sell her to him. He said she was one of the eagerest, hardest working horses he’d ever ridden.

I tell you all this so you will understand why Briga's behavior on that day with Tanner was so strange.

Briga spent an hour following Tanner and I around, which was unheard of. She LET me pet her, and didn't even spook when Tanner was backing into her front feet with his bike. Notable since she has no use for children or their pesky toys. Finally I chased her off.

All this time I was having the “new” pains. I had NO clue they were contractions because I’d never had natural labor before.

As I became more physically uncomfortable, I told Tanner we had to start heading back to the house. I went about 30 feet ahead and sat on a pile of lumber while he stopped to play on one of his dad’s trailers.

Briga came back. First she came and stood over me, and then she went to him. At one point she even put her mouth on the handle bar of his trike. This is so NOT a horse that voluntarily has anything to do with children, yet she sniffed his hair, his jeans. Up to that point he had ignored her, but she finally made him uncomfortable enough that every time she came his way he would jump on his little plastic bike as if for protection.

I finally went and got him by the hand, and started toward the house. Briga came along too, sometimes walking in front of us, and stopping, so we would have to go around her to continue walking.

When we got to the house I went in and called my mom. I told her I thought I was loosing my mind, or else that Briga had lost hers.

While I was in the house Briga almost came up the steps onto the deck whinnying. Mom assured me that she was “just a pet” and was just being friendly.

So, I went back out. She continued walking around Tanner, then me, then she would go and walk around our van pressing her nose on all the windows. She repeated this pattern over and over until I finally couldn’t stand it and made Tanner go in the house.

Once inside, and after having several more “pains,” I had to admit that of all the horses on the place Briga is the least likely to be called a pet. Something was up with me and she knew it. What an idiot I was.. I was in labor and my horse knew it before I did.

Baby Tehya came that night by C-section because she was breech. Apparently she had completely flipped since the day before.

I found out later that the ripping pain I’d felt for the previous 2 weeks had been her head pushing up against my ribcage. Like she was trying to reach up and grab me by the chin and say “mom, I talking to you” the way she so loves to do today.

Briga came and checked me out after I got home from the hospital, then went on her merry way. She has never shown any interest in me, or anyone else, since…Unless, of course, they have something for her to eat.

This summer, more than 6 years later, she let kids ride her a bit without scaring the pee-waddens out of them. At 14 she may be finally starting to mellow a bit… but just a bit.

She is still the first horse on the place that will get into trouble. If ANYONE is going to jump the cattle guard, crawl through the barbed wire fence, or find an opening where there is none, it will be her. She’s pure trouble… just like her owner… the reflection of my spirit… my “familiar”… Oh, I love her so.

As always, thank you for taking the time to pull this note off a tumbleweed. If you feel like sending one back telling me of your animal angels I’d love to hear them.

Here’s wishing you many angelic friends… whether they be human or covered in fur.

Prairie Girl and her “Familiar”