When he was done I dove into a wave as it headed toward the shore and was immediately pushed down under the water. The force was so strong I remember thinking that I was going to drown. That I’d never able to rise up against all that pressure. Then I began to feel the other sensations in my body… The sand against my knees… My knees? How could that be? Then I remembered…I was only in waist deep water…all I had to do was wait for the wave to pass and raise up.. stand up…and I’d be free.
I feel so at the mercy of a different kind of ocean these past days… It feels like I’m riding the waves of everyone else’s time frames. Waves that are going to collide with each other at any minute…
Here, the waves are high and the seas are raging. People packing and cleaning and loading…. I have to utilize all the assistance I can get. This is such a massive job…
While at my destination the water is just the slightest ebb and flow.. I am heading at warp speed toward a house that is not cleared out or ready, and no real time frame when it will be…
A house that is not only a perfect solution, it seems to be the only one that works for my business, kids AND a dog…
Meanwhile, my life is here in an open gooseneck stock trailer and the wind is howling… Yesterday it even rained…
Let me say that I know I am so blessed with people assisting me. I am very grateful… but today…. today I am under the waves… Waiting for them to pass so I can stand up..
I don’t know what I’m going to do with my belongings but I know I’m heading out with them a week from today, and I’m hoping there is a safe place for them when I get there… solid ground appearing when I step into air…
I’m packing the kids and I to live out of suitcases for the next few weeks… Staying with family… Them starting a new school…
I am submitting… I am willing to see the perfection… I am scared, but I am willing not to be..
Now here’s the negative confession… Brace yourself… it’s like finding out your favorite workout guru has been having liposuction….
I am no longer feeling like a hopeful romantic…
There I said it…
No….seriously….it’s bad….
I feel like I’m done with dating… Done with men.. I mean seriously.. done….
I’ve realized that very one of them has left me disappointed in some way, and I’m tired.. I don’t like that feeling…the disappointed hopeless feeling.. I get my hopes up even when I know I shouldn’t, even when I know the guy is not Mr. Right… Not a keeper....I still feel disappointed when I am faced with the reality of it…
I hear the feminists among us saying “well done, glad you caught up to the class,” but this is not who I wanted to become… I do not want to become someone who thinks men suck.. I DON’T think they all do.. I’m just tired of test driving them.
I told Sally this morning that I needed a burning bush with a voice coming out of it saying “date this man” because I’m just too tired to do it one more time…. I’ll let you know if THAT happens.. That would make a fantastic blog post wouldn’t it? LOL… Oh it felt good to laugh for a second..
Maybe I’m just under too much stress.. Maybe I’m hormonal… Maybe…Maybe I’ll feel better when this wave passes… but in the meantime I am not brave.. I am not hopeful…and while I am not completely negative I am definitely NOT optimistic about my love life... and I felt it was only right to come here and confess what a hypocrite I am…
There… I feel a little better.. The guilt was eating me alive…
Thank you for being there for me to send this out of me to… Thank you for healing me like you do…
Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl…
Ah Tracye - I hear ya girl. It's hard to get over the hurt and trust another man, especially when they always seem to let us down. Perhaps for now, it's best to just try to plant your feet as firmly as possible in that shifting sand, get your head above the water, learn to trust and be happy with yourself, and then perhaps the right guy will come along. I know -- it's easier said than done, and I certainly understand the loneliness when there's no one there to take you into his strong arms. Blessed be.
ReplyDeleteBeing scared is not a fault. It makes you more aware of what's around you and sets up your defenses for what may come. Don't feel guilty about being human. The waves may get deep at times but just keep dog paddling and you'll reach those shallows. Life is a scary business no matter what you do. I think it's just as scary to stay where you are and try to fight the known "enemies" as it is to strike out on your new road. Just remember Dorothy and Toto and how great their story ended! lol
ReplyDeleteTake time to take deep breaths and enjoy your new adventure. Relax and let go. Trust. We're here to catch you if you slip or need that shot of encouragement. No one says you can't come back or even change you mind and don't go. Just know that you're taking a piece of my heart, my friend, and I'll expect to get parts of it back!! (Although I won't be going to OK in bad weather to get it! lol)
Oh, and if you do meet a Sam Elliot type on the way, take pics and kiss him for me!! I'm a cowboy freak too. Although when I married mine, he kept falling off the horse!! lol
Thank you guys...
ReplyDeleteLinda I really am good alone.. I was happily alone for 6 yrs before the Ex. And during the 12 w/him, while I wasn't alone in that I had someone to fix things, I never had anyone except my kids or my mom to take me in their arms... no man... and I learned to be fine with that too...
The 10 months w/the Golf Pro is what gave me the taste for something I've NEVER had... When he turned out to be a snake everyone said his purpose was just to let me know what I could have outta life.. Because I'd never knewn before that... But I'm really really okay w/out a man... And now I've almost forgotten what it was I had that was so great...I find that sad though...
Barb you are so wise and such a good friend to me..
I know you're right... I'm laying on the floor gulping air as I type this... well not really, but I'm thinking about it...
It's funny but KayP just forwarded me an email about letting go that was really good and echoed just what you're saying...You guys are amazing...
Honey we are no where near done getting into trouble... We got a lotta miles yet together... Go ahead and start planning when you WILL come and see me though... Remember I'm gonna be burning up the road bringing kids back up here if their dad doesn't move down there too... So I'll be hanging out at your house then... Heck we'll probably see each other more when we don't live 15 miles apart...
Thank you both for your encouragement.. I have the most amazing friends... I feel very blessed...
Angels on your bodies..
Well - If OK doesn't work out, come to Oregon. Sam lives just up the freeway from me in Brownsville. Kate might be a problem, however! ;) You'll do fine honey. You've got a good heart and you're a smart girl.
ReplyDelete(((Tracye)))
ReplyDeleteTeresaL
Thanks you guys... You are wonderful...
ReplyDeleteI'm just on my knees at the moment... saying thank you for air to breathe....a body that works..my precious spirit guides...
Angels on your bodies.
When did you haul butt down the AlCan? You're a restless one. As for men, I'm a feminist and I still like them. I'm married to one, and I met him after I didn't care about dating anymore and I DID get a burning bush (signs, several of them, that were unmistakably from my spirit guides). And sometimes I still feel terribly alone even though I have a partner...so it's an inside job like everything else, and loneliness is part of the human condition. Maybe it's supposed to bring all of us closer together. Keep loving, and if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with, and the only one you'll ever be able to say for certain will always be there with you, is you.
ReplyDeleteGood words Betsy... I love & appreciate you and your wisdom....
ReplyDeleteI'm not completely down on love. I just had a low spot last week where I just was overwhelmed w/the rebellion against telling one more man about myself... against "dating" if u will.....
I self medicated to feel better... I called the cowboy & made him talk Texan ... worked wonders...
Right now cowboys are like Batman to me... they show when I flash my Bat beacon into the sky, then ride away...
Sally says I need to change my belief about them so I can find one who'll will heal me AND stay... I'm just picky about my cowboys... Not too many that I'd want to stick around..but I'm workin' on my belief about that too...
Thank you for sharing my journey with me again. Angels on your body.