If I believe in the power of belief, is it only my belief that makes the belief happen? Okay, now I’ve just confused myself.
What about all the good things that happen to us that we didn’t consciously believe in, or “think positive” about, but happened anyway? Were we thinking positive and just didn’t know it? Okay, well what about the bad stuff?
I do think I believe in the power of belief, but I’m not sure that I, or anyone else for that matter, really have a complete grasp of how or why it works. Is it all about saying the right words? Thinking the right thoughts?
The Ex doesn’t believe in belief, doesn’t believe in the power of words yet his came true. It took 12 years, but it happened. He said almost weekly one of these things; 1) he wished he’d stayed single because he hated living with/being around people. 2) I, along with everyone else on the planet, irritated him and he should have stayed single (kind of a repeat of number 1.) 3) if we didn’t have kids we would NOT still be married. 4) If I ever found anyone better than him not to let the door hit me in the butt as I left, and he wouldn’t shed a tear.
When I said I wanted a divorce, he screamed and cried and called me foul names. Then after calming down he said he NEVER meant any of the things he said over the 12 years, didn’t want to be alone, and that I shouldn’t be alone either… But, he got what he said he wanted. He believed what he was saying at the time, I could hear it in his voice. It looks to me like his words brought about an effect on his universe…
Now, I am trying to control my thoughts, my beliefs, and by doing so change my world.
While the common thread running through this blog has been a romantic relationship, I need to clarify something. I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do NOT need a man. I’ve lived happily alone for years. I enjoy my own company immensely.
Living alone, or being without a man, is not my challenge. I have not lost myself. I know my value, but after 12 years with The Ex, I no longer believed that any man would ever know my value as well.
Then came The Him… A man from my past returning at a serendipitous moment in my life, holding up a mirror showing EVERY good thing I do believe about myself, and claiming to value and appreciate all of it.
Great right? Never thought THAT would happen in my life. I wasn't looking for that to happen, wasn’t ‘believing’ for that to happen.. At least I didn’t think I was. I HAD been asking the Universe/God if being treated the way The Ex treated me was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life.. Think I was ‘believing’ for change by asking that? I don’t know.
What a cool twist of fate it seemed when The Him arrived out of the blue. Turns out he was a fraud, because while he might have meant what he said to me at the time, in the end he couldn't remember it, or live by it the next day, or week... He swore he was not a liar, but if that’s true, well then, that only leaves crazy. Either way, he’s gone and I now have a longing for something I NEVER even thought of wanting before; a man who knows, understands, and values me for who I am.
I hear the feminists among us groaning…. How... un... independent.. or something... of me. I know.
So now my struggle is not to feel complete, or valuable, I already know I am all that. Now I have to decide whether or not to believe I can have my heart's desire. It feels foolish to believe in that…doesn’t it? Feels like a ‘waste’ of good belief to wish for that… shouldn’t I believe for world peace, or a cure for Cancer, or something more profound than the love of my life?
It feels like I’m standing in the ocean, water up to my chest, waves up I’m hopeful, down I feel foolish. Every now and then a big wave crashes over my head and the salt water engulfs me.. burning my eyes, my nose, and my lungs. One minute I’m pulled back with memories of the past year and the loss of what I thought was a miracle, the next minute I’m pushed out to sea with feelings of hope.
Speaking of being pulled back, I haven’t been ‘to the bar’ in 3 days 8 hours and 29 minutes… though I really want to go.. Today is the day the whole legal shebang (that was supposedly the cause of all the drama in the relationship) goes to court...
He had the nerve to send me a text a few days ago, it was all I could do to keep my mother from getting on a plane and going to do him bodily harm.
The text said that he realized that I might not think he deserved it but he would welcome positive thoughts over the next few days.
I said I’d just been thinking that day that for the better part of the past year I’d thought if this day ever came, (that it actually went to trial) that I would be the one he wanted with him… weird.. I’d send thoughts. I didn’t elaborate on what kind of thoughts.. I haven’t heard a word since.
Later I wished I’d asked how it could be that the Gooey Gumdrop Drama Queen’s positive thoughts were not enough for him..Just as well I didn’t.
I do feel a bit of freedom. Nothing that happens in court today affects my life any longer. It’s none of my business. I am free of that drama and baggage… I’ll put that on my list of things I’m thankful for today.
Here’s Kaylee’s daily quote…”There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them, but it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams, than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for.”
It reminded me of one my mama always said… “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
My wish for today is that we can find at least our hope, if not our belief.
This is all just a ‘ponder’ still in progress, but I needed to tie it to a tumbleweed and send it out of me…
While I’m not sure if or how it works, I am going to be thinking, and speaking, the words that would create my happy destiny if it does….What have I got to loose right?
Angels on your bodies,
Prairie Girl
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