“Then God must not have a heart”….

I started off yesterday with a question…

What do you think you could see if you weren’t blinded by your vision… If you didn’t limit yourself by what your eyes tell you they see?

But as my day ended I no longer cared about the answer. I no longer cared about much of anything to be honest…

Today all I hear are these words rolling around in my head… “Then God must not have a heart”… and today…I do not have the strength to argue with them…

The sweet preacher who has ministered to, and taught me so much, these past few months lost his wife unexpectedly yesterday morning… Their 12 yr old daughter, who is autistic, said those words when they told her.…

As my day ended… I too questioned the heart of God.

I know of three of my precious soul sisters who love and encourage me on this blog have lost children in the recent past…

Two of them also suffered the unexpected loss of marriages this past year alone…

And here I sit.. post after post lamenting my lonely heart.. How insignificant is my broken heart in comparison…

I speak of how I ask God this, or believe in God for that, yet is there any doubt that my friends and my preacher did the same and God seemed not to hear them…

The pastor’s wife was fine 2 months ago then fainted. Come to find out she had a tumor pressing on her brain.. Dangerous operation.. but she came through with flying colors.. Went through rehab with amazing success was back at church last Sunday…. No one saw it coming…Not now.. not after coming so far.

It’s the hope being dashed that feels cruel..

The Knight appearing at the pond, only to walk away and not look back.. Why let him appear at all?

Why let us hope? Just to watch us be brought low?

My mother says when we ask God for things… really important things… we don’t think about the fact that God might have just said no… That it wasn’t the right thing for us, wasn’t the right time.

Or possibly that the other soul we were praying for or about had a journey of transformation of their own they were on…

She likens it to a parent who tells a child “no” they cannot do, or have, a thing they ask for.. The child honestly believes that the parent truly does not care, or understand them,  or love them..

I do not know what to feel or believe tonight.

I am soul sore, and bone tired.

So, tonight… I’m going to lie down and let all that is in me drain from me.. and I will sink…

Sink into the sadness that surrounds me, and covers people I care about..

Sink into the acceptance that I may never really find what I’m looking for..

I’m going to sink into my aloneness and let it be… it really does not feel so bad tonight...  

Tonight…I’m laying down my striving.. looking.. hoping.. believing. I’m going to let it all seep out of me.

Try not to think less of me for laying my faith…..my dreams ….down for a little bit. Tonight they are just too heavy.

I thank you my sweet friends who have loved me all through my journey… Taking time to tend to me, and bless me, even in the midst of your own grief. You are so brave, and beautiful. And tonight you are the closest thing I see to God…

I can hear my great grandma’s voice saying “this too shall pass”…

I do not know how I will have transformed when I emerge on the other side of this.. but, I do know I will emerge…And most likely. continue to blab.

Prairie Girl.