Soul Sisters & Other Angels

I have long believed that your true friends are the angels that carry you when your wings cannot remember how to fly… That has been the case for me. I have been blessed beyond belief, over the years, with amazing friends who are nothing less than sisters to my soul. Many of them have commented on here.

There are 3 special angel friends who, it would be no exaggeration to say, have carried me like a child tucked close to their hearts these past months… I don’t know what would have happened to me if they had not closed ranks around me like mighty warriors, nursing my wounds, lifting me to my feet, and reminding me who I am. All while helping me fend off further attacks…

Someone asked me the other day what exactly The Him did that knocked me for such a loop… How could I, a strong, independent woman who knows she doesn’t need a man, be so devastated by one man alone? I’ll tell you….someday…..maybe tomorrow… but today, I want to tell you about angels.

Sometimes God knows that you’re going to need a particular person in your life more often than usual so, to give you a break, he lets you be born into the same family. That way you’ll never lose their address, or phone number… or email.. or blog address..

I believe that is why I was given my wonderful mother...

And my cousin…Special Angel Friend Sally… She is my living spirit guide…Her wisdom is what has made me strong, and made my grief a conduit for growth…

Sally and I have been close since… well… birth… give or take 4 months…

I’ve always been trying to “get inside her head.”

 

Salsa or Bloody Marys? Pick your remedy.

Sometimes, The Universe brings people to you that are no less “family” even though they weren’t born to anyone you’re related to. For me that is my friend Jan... She is my "sister" that the stork dropped into the wrong family…. Well, I guess it could be argued that I was the one dropped into the wrong family, but I don’t think her family would have survived the two of us together. It does make me smile to imagine it though…

Jan and I became friends 14 years ago when we were both law enforcement dispatchers.. We became partners in trouble at first sight, and have been friends ever since.

These three women....are amazing.... They listened… and listened again.. They rebuilt, with such tenderness, every broken place inside of me…To restore my “knowing” they sometimes had to carry it for me, until I could have faith and know for myself again.

I don’t know what I did to deserve such love, patience, and tenderness but I am extremely thankful for it.

Writing this blog has reminded me that you never know when you’re entertaining angels unaware….

With the internet, our world had been cracked open… I know it has altered my life in so many ways it is almost mind-boggling… Everyone reading this knows what I mean…In this box… this cyber-space… we have communicated some of our most secret thoughts, and feelings to people that we have never actually met.

The “meeting” part becomes immaterial. We know and we are known in return.

I have been built up, and educated both in my art and in my life.

Yesterday "in the box," I spoke to a stranger angel in Texas who told me a story that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up…He told me of his dream of playing pro football and how it ended when he was in college, but that in hind sight (say it with me-“the clearest of visions”) he could see that God had a bigger plan for him as a musician… now he not only gets to channel the creative force of the Universe through himself, he gets to witness it’s effect on people while he does it… Very cool.. He then shared a scripture with me… (Yes, I do own a Bible, it’s pages are marked and everything…I think I just heard the sound of bodies hitting the floor in shock.)

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version)
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It struck me so profoundly that if it hadn’t been for MY recent heartbreak, I would never have started writing for my healing… The pictures that seem so “at home” here in the middle of these words might have languished forever in a box on my shelf…. A creative spring began to flow, as the river that carried me for years went dry, no longer capable of sustaining life…

They say the flap of a butterfly’s wings can create a hurricane on the other side of the world…. Imagine the power of angel wings… creating a miracle just where someone is needing it …

Every one of you is an Angel Unaware, every day… You might not get told of it when it happens. You might not know that when you looked that woman in the eye and smiled as you passed, or held the door open, or spoke that kind word (maybe on a tumbleweed) that she was feeling so alone.

You may never know all the people you touch, but please know that you are healing me… every time you take the time from your busy lives, and your own heartbreaks to pull one of these notes off a tumbleweed… every time you write something back ..You have no idea how much you contribute to my survival, and healing.

Every time I feel like raging at those that hurt me, and risk being sucked back into that pointlessness…. I come here instead and write to you.. The healing effect it has surprises and humbles me every time. Thank you…. from the bottom of my cowboy boots… Thank you.

I would love to hear about your Special Angel Friends… Who has made all the difference in your journey? If you feel so moved, tie it to a tumbleweed and send it back.

Angels on your bodies,
Prairie Girl

The Amazing Effect Of Zero Gravity..

I feel weightless today… I can feel happiness seeping through my cracks… I’m almost afraid to examine it too closely I don’t want to stop up the flow…

Kind of like when you’ve had the flu, or maybe food poisoning…and you’re feeling so much better. Your stomach finally doesn’t hurt, but you’re still afraid to make any sudden moves for fear the nausea will return… That’s how I feel. SO MUCH… Freer. Buoyant. Light enough to bounce…But unwilling to move too quickly.

I am kind of ashamed to say that I think it’s because I feel like there is a wee bit of…. Karma…. occurring for The Him this week. He’s going to have to sit through a trial all week and have his arrogance rubbed in his face, and paraded before The Woman, and the town.

I honestly hope that justice prevails, and that his life is eventually restored to some semblance of normalcy, but I do so love the idea that he was to reap at least a little bit of the conceitedness he’s sown…

Does this make me bad? I hope not.

There is something about knowing what’s happening to him that frees me. I’m afraid that that makes me a person “of little faith.” It would be better if I could be free without the knowing. Better if I could trust that God/The Universe had things in control without my “assistance.” I know this, but for today… today… I’m just gonna enjoy buoyancy… for as long as it lasts..

The gravitational pull of The Him, and the last 10 months, is just the slightest drag at my back. I feel like closing my eyes and drinking in sunshine. Like I’m a prisoner who has just been let into the yard after time in solitary confinement. I want to believe that I’m not stopping here in the yard… I want to believe I’m headed for the outer gates, and my freedom.

I know this may just a push out to sea, or my pendulum swinging to the happy spot, but if it is… then “so be it.” I’m grateful for every pain free minute.

If what I’m being taught is true, that my being grateful for my happiness will bring me more happiness, then I’m going to be grateful with all my heart.

You do know that we teach what which we most need to learn right?  So I'm gonna go talk to an audience I'm familiar with....

So, we just have to believe we're free and be thankful for it?

Wow, it worked! I sure could have done without the needle in my butt though.

Hooray!!! Go cows go!!!

Prairie Girl, and her Companions…

Which Came First The Chicken Or The Belief In The Chicken?

So which do YOU think came first?

If I believe in the power of belief, is it only my belief that makes the belief happen? Okay, now I’ve just confused myself.

What about all the good things that happen to us that we didn’t consciously believe in, or “think positive” about, but happened anyway? Were we thinking positive and just didn’t know it? Okay, well what about the bad stuff?

I do think I believe in the power of belief, but I’m not sure that I, or anyone else for that matter, really have a complete grasp of how or why it works. Is it all about saying the right words? Thinking the right thoughts?

The Ex doesn’t believe in belief, doesn’t believe in the power of words yet his came true. It took 12 years, but it happened. He said almost weekly one of these things; 1) he wished he’d stayed single because he hated living with/being around people. 2) I, along with everyone else on the planet, irritated him and he should have stayed single (kind of a repeat of number 1.) 3) if we didn’t have kids we would NOT still be married. 4) If I ever found anyone better than him not to let the door hit me in the butt as I left, and he wouldn’t shed a tear.

When I said I wanted a divorce, he screamed and cried and called me foul names. Then after calming down he said he NEVER meant any of the things he said over the 12 years, didn’t want to be alone, and that I shouldn’t be alone either… But, he got what he said he wanted. He believed what he was saying at the time, I could hear it in his voice. It looks to me like his words brought about an effect on his universe…

Now, I am trying to control my thoughts, my beliefs, and by doing so change my world.

While the common thread running through this blog has been a romantic relationship, I need to clarify something. I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do NOT need a man. I’ve lived happily alone for years. I enjoy my own company immensely.

Living alone, or being without a man, is not my challenge. I have not lost myself. I know my value, but after 12 years with The Ex, I no longer believed that any man would ever know my value as well.

Then came The Him… A man from my past returning at a serendipitous moment in my life, holding up a mirror showing EVERY good thing I do believe about myself, and claiming to value and appreciate all of it.

Great right? Never thought THAT would happen in my life. I wasn't looking for that to happen, wasn’t ‘believing’ for that to happen.. At least I didn’t think I was. I HAD been asking the Universe/God if being treated the way The Ex treated me was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life.. Think I was ‘believing’ for change by asking that? I don’t know.

What a cool twist of fate it seemed when The Him arrived out of the blue. Turns out he was a fraud, because while he might have meant what he said to me at the time, in the end he couldn't remember it, or live by it the next day, or week... He swore he was not a liar, but if that’s true, well then, that only leaves crazy. Either way, he’s gone and I now have a longing for something I NEVER even thought of wanting before; a man who knows, understands, and values me for who I am.

I hear the feminists among us groaning…. How... un... independent.. or something... of me. I know.

So now my struggle is not to feel complete, or valuable, I already know I am all that. Now I have to decide whether or not to believe I can have my heart's desire. It feels foolish to believe in that…doesn’t it? Feels like a ‘waste’ of good belief to wish for that… shouldn’t I believe for world peace, or a cure for Cancer, or something more profound than the love of my life?

It feels like I’m standing in the ocean, water up to my chest, waves up I’m hopeful, down I feel foolish. Every now and then a big wave crashes over my head and the salt water engulfs me.. burning my eyes, my nose, and my lungs. One minute I’m pulled back with memories of the past year and the loss of what I thought was a miracle, the next minute I’m pushed out to sea with feelings of hope.

Speaking of being pulled back, I haven’t been ‘to the bar’ in 3 days 8 hours and 29 minutes… though I really want to go.. Today is the day the whole legal shebang (that was supposedly the cause of all the drama in the relationship) goes to court...

He had the nerve to send me a text a few days ago, it was all I could do to keep my mother from getting on a plane and going to do him bodily harm.

The text said that he realized that I might not think he deserved it but he would welcome positive thoughts over the next few days.

I said I’d just been thinking that day that for the better part of the past year I’d thought if this day ever came, (that it actually went to trial) that I would be the one he wanted with him… weird.. I’d send thoughts. I didn’t elaborate on what kind of thoughts.. I haven’t heard a word since.

Later I wished I’d asked how it could be that the Gooey Gumdrop Drama Queen’s positive thoughts were not enough for him..Just as well I didn’t.

I do feel a bit of freedom. Nothing that happens in court today affects my life any longer. It’s none of my business. I am free of that drama and baggage… I’ll put that on my list of things I’m thankful for today.

Here’s Kaylee’s daily quote…”There is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them, but it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams, than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for.”

It reminded me of one my mama always said… “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

My wish for today is that we can find at least our hope, if not our belief.

This is all just a ‘ponder’ still in progress, but I needed to tie it to a tumbleweed and send it out of me…

While I’m not sure if or how it works, I am going to be thinking, and speaking, the words that would create my happy destiny if it does….What have I got to loose right?

Angels on your bodies,
Prairie Girl

The Snakes Of Change...

Living here on the prairie snakes are an everyday concern during the summer months… I tell kids as they head to their hay fort “take the dog in first to look for snakes,” and other such warnings…

That is MY swing.. NOT his!

For years it drove my mother crazy that I would see snakes everywhere.. dead on the side of the road.. crawling in the bar ditch beside the highway.. She thought it was bizarre since she never saw them.

When I was building this house 8 years ago I saw them on the property… When the house was put on the foundation the contractor crawled under and got trapped by one blocking the exit to the crawl space.. I called a guy the Sheriff’s Dept told me about who “handled” snakes.

He came down my ¼ mile long driveway in a flat bed pickup with hounds baying on the back. It looked like “Deliverance On The Prairie.” He rescued the contractor and took the snake away, maybe made boots out of it, I didn’t ask…

I have since learned that many Native American tribes consider snakes to be a sign of change because they shed their skins. Some believe that if you see a lot of snakes that you are either “pushing” change or “resisting” change. Hmmmm… Interesting.

So last summer, before the divorce from The Ex, he began seeing snakes all around our house. In the YARD where the kids play!!! There were 2 Bull snakes and one Red Racer. He killed the Bulls but the Racer was too fast and got away…. I wondered at the time was he resisting or pushing…

Hunting the Red Racer that got away....

 
In hindsight I know it was resisting.. I was really putting it to him that he couldn’t keep treating me like crap and have anything good in life… He didn’t believe either the snakes, or me, apparently…

This summer I have seen only one snake, a Red Racer up not too far from his house, which is also on the same 160 acres as my house.. I ran over it.. and then analyzed if I was pushing or resisting and swore to the Universe I’d stop whichever it was just no more SNAKES!!!!! Did I mention I HATE SNAKES!!!!!!!!

Here’s the funny part… ready? I’ve been walking on the prairie now for weeks and haven’t seen a single snake (knocking on my forehead to keep from jinxing myself) but The Ex has had TWO up at his house. One curled up on a ladder he was about to grab and the other behind his truck…

So… he moved… and took the snakes with him… guess it makes sense.. He’s still resisting change…

Now aren’t all you city people who read this sighing with relief that no matter how you handle change the odds are against you having a snake show it to you? I don’t blame you… I HATE SNAKES!

Oh, and I HATE change too… but I don’t want to push or resist, I live near the snakes!!!!! Eeek!

I was thinking of this fact as I walked today and thanking my angels for no snakes, and thought maybe I ought to share this with you in case you had any change you were facing and pass along some advice from my Spirit Guides… They really do have a lot of wisdom…

WARNING: Not for the snake queasy... 

The Spirit Guides say just channel your inner Britney Spears and dance with the Snakes Of Change…

 
Be willing…

Be open…

Let the winds of Heaven dance you through any changes you find yourself faced with…

"Okay, now you're just weird"

Easier said than done, I know, but it beats a reptilian reminder any day.

I'm willing to see the perfection...I will embrace the change.... ohhhmmmm..

"This feels kinda icky"

Just a brief side note.. the animal in this picture was not only harmed, it was already dead... Just sayin'.. Oh, and the children took all of the photos themselves (the Spirit Guides had a buddy with them.) They'd asked to take the camera out with them to show their buddy the dead snake, I had NO CLUE they'd pose with it... Heck I didn't think my girl would even TOUCH it!

Angels on your bodies.
Prairie Girl

Walking Forgiveness...

Everyone keeps telling me I need to “get angry” with The Him for using me, lying to me, leading me on, cheating on, and betraying me. I can do it now. I can find him truly despicable… The truth of the matter is that it’s been SO much easier to be mad at The Woman who rubbed my nose in it. It’s even been easier to be angry with his mother, who encouraged The Woman, than to be angry with him. I’m sure it’s because I loved him and not them.

Now though, I can feel anger at all of them. Isn’t that great? Now I’m officially PISSED OFF. Now what?

S(pecial) A(ngel) F(riend) Sally says “find your happy thoughts” and “fake it til you make it.”

So I look for the positive…. Hum de dum…. Is it under this rock?... over that little hill?.....

Colin Tipping in his book Radical Forgiveness (awesome book by the way, I HIGHLY recommend it and I’ll be reading it AGAIN tonight) says that all the Universe needs is that we be “willing to see the perfection in a situation.” We don’t have to actually see it, just be willing.

I am willing.

I actually can see the perfection in The Woman friending me; how else would I have known the truth about what he was doing (starting up a relationship with her?) He was so good at explaining away everything he did that fuzzed up my radar. She put an end to that with the incessant “living her life” on a social networking site.

I can see the perfection in all the amazing things he said, and the way he made me feel so good about myself. I NOW also see that he really is a very arrogant, self-centered person who honestly thinks only of himself. He tells himself that he’s a good dad, but even that’s only as long as it makes him “feel good.” His needs/wants/desires always come first.

I can see that I “dodged a bullet,” and I do believe that I deserve better…. So WHY am I so overcome with fury when I hear about, or even think about, the fact that he lives with her now? SHE HAS WHAT WAS MINE! Or, if it wasn’t completely mine it’s what I was promised. He proposed to me, he gave me rings!!!!! Okay, intellectually I know that he wasn’t really mine, and he’s probably not really hers either. We both are just suckers being used by a jerk, but still!!!! ARRRGGHHH!!!!!

Deep breath… I am willing to see the perfection…. I might have wasted years on him before getting fed up enough to let him go. Or not been able to break free of him at all (he would have continued to hedge his bets, and lead me on, I’m sure) if things had not played out exactly the way they did… Intellectually, I can see that. Emotionally… I’m getting better….

Monday was a good day. I could feel the gravitational pull weakening. Like in those space movies where the ships have that moment of hesitation before launching into hyper drive or something and blasting off. The things around here that are tainted by memories of him, and normally pack a punch to my solar plexus, felt like just a memory… no pain.. I was really pleased with myself. Then came Tuesday, and I was back to feeling furious. She has what was promised to ME!!!!!

I’m trying not to screw up my own “Karma,” “Seedtime & Harvest,” “What Goes Around Comes Around.” So I have to stop myself from wishing what I REALLY want, for them to make each other as miserable as they’ve made me. I will wish instead for them to “reap their intentions toward me," and I'm willing to reap mine as well.

When I think of it like that, I can see that her intentions were not nearly as despicable as his. She’s just desperate to have a man, and from her internet history, it appears any man will do. He, on the other hand, is willing to lie, use, cheat, and betray to feel good at all times.

I am willing to see the perfection…

The Him served a vital purpose in my breaking away from from The Ex when things with The Ex were so vile. The Ex would call me foul names in front of my children, tell them everything was all my fault one minute, (even the part where he was treating me WORSE than he did when we were married, BECAUSE I wouldn’t give him that 1001 chance,) then flipping a switch and being a bizarre caricature of what he thought a “sweet” person would be… The Him built me up.

He gave me something to look forward to in the future. The same future that I had all but decided would never get any better than The Ex treating me unkindly, and disrespectfully for the rest of my life…

The Him reminded me of how I was when he first knew me, beautiful, smart, and funny, and was actually able to make me feel that way again…

The Him kept me from crumbling under all the turmoil and madness that my daily life had become during the divorce.

He served a purpose…. even though he was just cubic zirconia… not real…

I am willing to see the perfection…. I am willing to “forgive” him for being a fake, even though he’s being bright and shiny for her now. Even though she’s bragging about what a “jewel” she has.... deep breath… he’s still just a fake…

I’m willing to see the perfection…. I know now what I can believe for… I know now what I want…. a real diamond.

Someone once said that, to them, forgiveness was “releasing the hope that the past could be anything different than it was.” I guess that’s not that different from being “willing to see the perfection.”

When I lived in LA I heard a story that has stuck with me for over a decade. A woman from some war-ravaged, third world, country was giving a talk about forgiveness to a group of yuppie LA women. I can’t remember what she had said to start the talk, but it caused a woman in the audience to ask, “How can you understand what women from our world go through since it’s so different from yours? How can you tell me to forgive when my best friend stole my husband, AND my business, and left me with nothing? How do I forgive that? How does what you’ve been through relate to that?”

The speaker said, “I practice “Walking Forgiveness” and it works for every kind of wrong. While I did not lose a husband or business, soldiers raiding my village raped me, then made me watch as my mother, and sisters were raped and murdered. I was kept alive to serve as an example, and placed in a prison cell that was not quite long enough for me to lie down in, and kept there for years. That is where I learned “walking forgiveness,” by spending my days walking the few steps I could, and with every step I said, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you”…

I have never forgotten that story.

So when I am eaten up with anger, hurt, resentment, or disappointment, I remind myself of that woman and her walking forgiveness. Even if I only take the “steps” in my head because I can’t go for a walk. I start with “I forgive you” until I can catch my breath.

I add a few more words to mine… I say “I forgive you _______ ______ (name there) and I release you to the Holy Spirit so that I may be free.” I also say, “I’m willing to see the perfection in this situation.” And on days like today I say, “I am angry, but I’m willing not to be” – repeat as needed.

I am working on my “belief,” my happy place…

In the meantime I have come to believe…That when we “forgive” someone, the person who is released is NOT the person whose name we insert in the blanks but instead… US…That the reason we ought to forgive-“become willing to see the perfection”-“accept the fact that the past cannot be any different than it is”- is to free OURSELVES from the chains around our OWN hearts.

I’m going for a walk on the prairie now, and with every step I will be practicing “walking forgiveness.” Wish me peace..

EEEK! My boob just vibrated… it’s okay, it’s only a text… My daily quote my cousin Kaylee sends me (Thanks Kaylee )… I’ll share it with you since it’s freakily perfect for this tumbleweed… “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

Interesting….

I am willing to see the perfection.

I want to be wise in my forgiveness. I like what Mr. Tipping says in Radical Forgiveness “Wise people forgive but DO NOT forget. They strive to appreciate the gift inherent in the situation, and to remember the lesson it taught them.” This is sometimes challenging for me as when I forgive I have a tendency to forget, and get hurt again by the same person….

I’m praying for wisdom to go along with my side of peace…



I’ve heard it said “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is, thank you, it will be enough.”

I tell my kids that whatever they look for, that’s what they’ll see. So they should look for the good, the positive, in their life so they’ll get more of it.

So I'll try and focus on the flower, not the deadwood.

Today as I walk, and forgive, I’m also going to remember to say “thank you” for every single good thing I DO have… even if I have to start with air to breathe, and a body that moves… I am really so very very blessed… Just look at my precious Spirit Guides…

Thank you, again, for taking the time to stop this tumbleweed as it passed..It has been healing to write them, and to read your replies that come back..
Angels on your bodies,
Prairie girl

Horses & The Witches' Cat (For Betsy)

What is it they call the witch’s cat? Her “Familiar”?

Well, my familiar is not a cat, but a horse. A mischievous, one eyed, hell bitch that I adore more than any horse I have ever known… Which is saying a lot since I’ve been horse crazy all my life.

Like so many little girls my love affair with horses began shortly after… well… birth probably.

My mom tells a story of holding me up to a fence, when just a toddler, to pet a horse that I saw from the car and insisted being taken to (I was bossy even back then.) The horse bit me taking a small chunk out of my arm. Mom was afraid it would put me off horses forever. No such luck. Can’t even remember it myself.
 

Every sentence I wrote in English class, even as a senior in high school, was about a horse. Seriously.

 I was officially horse crazy.

My mom was also quite the cowgirl in my youth, showing horses for other people. She was even kicked out of a horse show once when they found out the horse she was showing was stallion. See women weren’t allowed to show stallions everywhere back then, but she did. My mama ran with the big dogs, or ah, big horses, even back then.

Mom on stallion Chan's Champ, aka "Calhoun".

 To all the feminists, who find my continued search for "true love" a disappointing affront on feminism, know that I WAS raised right....

Needless to say, I rode every chance I got until I graduated from high school, and moved to the south to go to Bible school. I know, the Bible school part is shocking to those who know me now. How did I turn out so…well.. like me? Topic for another post..

Anyway, even down south I found people that needed someone to ride their horses for them, so I still got to ride.

Then I moved to Alaska and ended up without a horse for the next 10 years.

When I moved back to the Prairie and married The Ex, we lived on his family’s large, remote, ranch with 1000 acres of farmland, and 300 head of cows. I finally got another horse… Briga…Little did I know this horse would become not only the best horse I ever had, but a reflection of my very spirit…

Briga

Okay, skipping ahead about 7 years, I was pregnant with my second child, a girl. My OB had told me the day before that the baby was head down but that my cervix was nowhere near favorable and that she’d probably have to induce me the following week. It wasn’t surprising since my first child had been way too comfy, and might not have come out at all without induction almost 2 years before.

On this day I woke feeling kind of “fluish” and had begun to have a pain in the lower part of my abdomen. For the previous 2 weeks I’d been having a severe pain on the top part of my belly, under my right rib cage, accompanied by a hard knot that felt like someone was trying to rip the muscle from the bone. This new pain was in a totally different place and not unbearable; I figured it was just the muscles tuning up for labor.

I was home alone with my son since his dad was working in another state. He’d decided to take off since it seemed that I wasn’t going to be “doing anything” for a week. My mom was also getting ready to leave town to visit her boyfriend the next day, but luckily hadn’t left yet.

Tanner, and I went outside so he could ride his Big Wheel. As we were heading toward the creek my saddle horse Briga saw us and came over to see if we were doing anything that might get her some grain.

When I got Briga she was almost 2 yrs old. She’d been born up in the mountains, and hadn’t been handled a day in her life before coming to live with me over at the farm.

It took time and effort but we developed a trust for one another. In an unfortunate twist of fate, before she was old enough to be broke, she went blind in her left eye. A fact that makes her, to this day, edgy and a little wild.

The men on the farm said I should take her to the killers and get another horse that wasn’t “a cripple.” Of course, I didn’t listen….. I’m sure this part does NOT surprise anyone who knows me…

You see, I believe that neither true beauty, or worth, is determined by the exterior of either man or beast, but instead, by their heart. I was in love with Briga’s heart, so she stayed. I would later be vindicated when our horse trainer informed me that if it weren’t for her blind eye he’d be hounding me to sell her to him. He said she was one of the eagerest, hardest working horses he’d ever ridden.

I tell you all this so you will understand why Briga's behavior on that day with Tanner was so strange.

Briga spent an hour following Tanner and I around, which was unheard of. She LET me pet her, and didn't even spook when Tanner was backing into her front feet with his bike. Notable since she has no use for children or their pesky toys. Finally I chased her off.

All this time I was having the “new” pains. I had NO clue they were contractions because I’d never had natural labor before.

As I became more physically uncomfortable, I told Tanner we had to start heading back to the house. I went about 30 feet ahead and sat on a pile of lumber while he stopped to play on one of his dad’s trailers.

Briga came back. First she came and stood over me, and then she went to him. At one point she even put her mouth on the handle bar of his trike. This is so NOT a horse that voluntarily has anything to do with children, yet she sniffed his hair, his jeans. Up to that point he had ignored her, but she finally made him uncomfortable enough that every time she came his way he would jump on his little plastic bike as if for protection.

I finally went and got him by the hand, and started toward the house. Briga came along too, sometimes walking in front of us, and stopping, so we would have to go around her to continue walking.

When we got to the house I went in and called my mom. I told her I thought I was loosing my mind, or else that Briga had lost hers.

While I was in the house Briga almost came up the steps onto the deck whinnying. Mom assured me that she was “just a pet” and was just being friendly.

So, I went back out. She continued walking around Tanner, then me, then she would go and walk around our van pressing her nose on all the windows. She repeated this pattern over and over until I finally couldn’t stand it and made Tanner go in the house.

Once inside, and after having several more “pains,” I had to admit that of all the horses on the place Briga is the least likely to be called a pet. Something was up with me and she knew it. What an idiot I was.. I was in labor and my horse knew it before I did.

Baby Tehya came that night by C-section because she was breech. Apparently she had completely flipped since the day before.

I found out later that the ripping pain I’d felt for the previous 2 weeks had been her head pushing up against my ribcage. Like she was trying to reach up and grab me by the chin and say “mom, I talking to you” the way she so loves to do today.

Briga came and checked me out after I got home from the hospital, then went on her merry way. She has never shown any interest in me, or anyone else, since…Unless, of course, they have something for her to eat.

This summer, more than 6 years later, she let kids ride her a bit without scaring the pee-waddens out of them. At 14 she may be finally starting to mellow a bit… but just a bit.

She is still the first horse on the place that will get into trouble. If ANYONE is going to jump the cattle guard, crawl through the barbed wire fence, or find an opening where there is none, it will be her. She’s pure trouble… just like her owner… the reflection of my spirit… my “familiar”… Oh, I love her so.

As always, thank you for taking the time to pull this note off a tumbleweed. If you feel like sending one back telling me of your animal angels I’d love to hear them.

Here’s wishing you many angelic friends… whether they be human or covered in fur.

Prairie Girl and her “Familiar”

Ziggin' When You Should Have Zagged?

So are you still persevering? I am but, I’m disappointed to report, just barely..

Have you ever wished you’d “zigged” instead of “zagged” in the decisions you made in your life? Not over things like what you ordered off the menu, or the route you took to work, but the big decisions in life?

I am not someone who has EVER regretted her past… seriously.. I’ve thought it all was part of making me who I am today… I honestly believed that I wouldn’t be who I am, or know what I know, if I had changed anything… If I hadn’t gallivanted all over the country, seen what I’ve seen, done what I’ve done…But is that really true?

This train-wreck-tail-spin of a heartbreak with The Him has made me doubt myself. Doubt the decisions, choices, exceptions, I’ve made with him, and made me doubt my future wisdom. How do I not make the same mistakes again? How do I believe anyone again when I was so wrong about him?… oops.. did I say that out loud? No, just on a tumbleweed… whew…

While I do understand that you can’t move forward if you keep looking back, I believe the saying about those who don’t learn from history being destined to repeat it. I don’t want to repeat the pain and misery of the last month if there is ANY WAY I can avoid it. Heck, what am I saying, I don’t want to repeat the misery of the past 13 years.

The recent happenings with The Him are not the only thing that has brought me to my knees of late. This current tour of regrets has been brought to you by The Ex, also known as-the father of my children. He’d actually been being civil since finding out The Him is out of my life, but yesterday reverted back to being a complete jerk.

See, he’s STILL pissed that I divorced him. HE never wanted to be divorced. Though he’d said, at least weekly since getting married, that he wished he’d never got married, but he now says he didn’t mean it.

He admits to hearing me tell him he couldn’t keep treating me the way he was, that he would have nothing good in life from me if he didn’t stop, but NEVER thought I would DIVORCE him over it. Just get mad, and yell, and get over it like I always did.

He’s FURIOUS that I won’t give him that 1000 and1 chance because he THINKS he might can change and treat me nice. Though he can’t do it now for more than a day and a half, but that’s also MY fault cause I don’t give him a reason to change by saying I’ll take him back someday. He is magnanimous enough to understand that it might not happen today, but I need to at least give him hope that it will happen someday if I want him to be nice to me.

He has girlfriends out the wazoo, and THAT pisses him off cause he doesn’t want them, just wants me, but can’t tell me why he wants me. Can’t even carry on more than the most superficial of conversations with me, and those only on really good days.

He’s a complete hypocrite with our children, behaving like a spoiled brat, slamming doors and stomping around to show how mad he is at me, that he has to go to his girlfriend’s house, because I won’t give him a reason to stay with me… The same kind of behavior he would punish the kids for if they acted that way, but it’s okay for him cause he’s mad.

They love him and want to be with him but he can’t stop complaining to them about me like they are adults, telling them the divorce is all my doing, that yes he acted bad, but I won’t let him fix it. Tells them daily that it’s wrong that they have to decide which parent’s house they want to stay at, they shouldn’t have to decide, and we should all be together. The argument I make is that they are lucky they GET to decide. To which he responds that I’m just a child of divorce so I don’t “get” it. He says that I think it’s alright to be divorced and it’s not. According to him, I am just being selfish at my kid’s expense.

It’s like riding a psychotic horse through a burning building.

You know, it makes it really hard not to regret this marriage. Think there’s any chance I would have had the same great kids without him?

Yesterday also would have been our wedding anniversary, the first since our divorce (possibly another reason he decided to get pissy)…. And *I* forgot!!!! I knew it was sometime the end of August but I couldn’t remember the exact day.. 27th? 30th? 31st? It was the day Princess Diana died and I thought I was going to have to go Google (I love to Google, but that’s a whole other post).

Then, night before last, as he was dropping off kids he said “well I guess 13 wasn’t lucky for us.”
I said “huh?”
Then I got it. I said “you mean that in ALL these years you only remember our anniversary when we’re NOT married?” He just shrugged. He’d NEVER remembered it once in the 12 years before.

Even though now, in hindsight - the clearest of visions, I know that he not only never really understood, and therefore couldn’t have liked me (oh how that sentence is making my “editor friends” cringe.. email me and I’ll fix it.) I also really “get” that he doesn’t like himself either, for all his bluster and smarts… How can you like anyone if you don’t like yourself? You can envy them, covet what they have, but not honestly like… At least I don’t think so.

Soo…. Was marrying him a mistake? I can look back at a 100 times I should have left him the first few years. He’d had a hard life, but he was smart, but I watched him learn lots of things about life. I thought he could learn to love if I just showed him enough love. Then the kids came and for the first time in his life he actually knew what it was to love someone. I told myself that while he didn’t really love me, and had not really been kind or respectful to me, at least not since shortly after we got married, he was an honorable, hard working man.

I reminded myself that I had known great love in my life, and convinced myself that this, marriage to him, was what God or The Universe was asking of me in return for that love. To live without love, so that this man could know the love of being a dad to make up for his loveless childhood. De-Nile isn’t just a river with pyramids.. I’m pretty sure Rashi-Nile-Zation is one of it’s tributaries.

All that came to a screeching halt when I heard myself saying to my son “you can’t treat me that way (nasty & disrespectfully) just because your dad does.” I knew then I wasn’t doing my kids any favors by staying in a marriage where I was constantly treated unkindly and disrespected. Their own father is the prime example of what comes of that.

So how do I protect my kids from their father’s anger, that he is so addicted to, and absolutely UNWILLING to move past; yet not deprive them of his presence?

Let’s say he actually could at least stop being disrespectful to me (like when we were married) if I do like he wants and take him back, am I wrong to not want to raise my kids in a loveless marriage? I can’t believe that is what’s best for them.

Should I have never married him? Would I still have my sweet babies if I hadn’t? Would they have come to me some other way?

What if I never left Los Angeles and moved home to the prairie?

Or didn’t live with the drummer in Los Angeles? I’ve long said I should have dumped him when I was on the road with his band and never lived with him, but then I would have dated that camera man for The People’s Court who pursued me so headily….and…. well?

What if I’d never have left Alaska after meeting the drummer?

Or not divorced from The Him in Alaska? Not that I had any choice? He wasn’t willing to work on being married. We were both babies at the time, and he had the firm belief that if it’s “right” it shouldn’t be work….

What if I had NOT married The Him? Well, I WAS pregnant at the time… we eloped and I had a miscarriage on the wedding night… cue the Twilight Zone music please… what was THAT all about? It might have changed things drastically if we’d waited a week later to elope huh?

Were we just “supposed” to be married so that he could come back 23 years later and remind me that I’d once been “magical” and “vivacious” and that it wasn’t ONLY people who “didn’t have to live with me” who thought so, as The Ex told me almost daily for 12 years?

What if I’d not have moved to Alaska to have an adventure? Though, it was one of the best times of my life.

Well then, before that. Should I not have traveled with that southern evangelist and had a torrid love affair (and brief wedding engagement) with his right hand man?
Well, probably should could have done a couple things different there (blush) but man, I saw the most amazing things and people traveling with them…

What if I had not have left the prairie my senior year in high school when my mother took a job in another state? What would I have done instead you ask? Why let my mother sign for me to marry my fist love. A farmer, who was several years older, and crazy about me. Still is to this day. He is also married to the girl he rebounded with.

My mother is now wishing for arranged marriages cause she would have had me marry him she says. “He would have never hurt or used you like you have been hurt and used” she says…

Yes but would I still be me if I’d never left the prairie?
Would I still have my sweet babies?
Does any of it really matter at this point? Kind of like crying over spilled milk isn’t it?
The question that plagues me every day now is how do I stop screwing up?

Should I do as some of my friends say and “just stay single, who needs a man!”

I know for a fact I do NOT need one. I lived alone quite peacefully for many years before The Ex. I swore my whole miserable marriage to him that I would never want another man, would never never never get involved with another man not to mention marry again. It was JUST NOT WORTH the trouble….

That brings me to the legacy, or the curse, of The Him. He showed me, in the first 6 months we were back together a kind of relationship I had never known existed, let alone hoped for. I never even dreamed I could dream of communicating with someone the way we did. Being understood by someone the way he seemed to understand me.

In a conversation I had with The Ex a few days ago I said something about the fact that he had no desire to know what I had to say, thought, or felt about things, and he said that we “just needed to agree to disagree” about things. Just be different.

I said great, fine, if you talk about things and know what you’re agreeing to disagree on. It’s also fine to never speak and just know you’re different if you’re the only two people on Earth, or stranded on a deserted island, but if you have a choice wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who wants to talk to you? Wants to know what you’re thinking, feeling, learning, believing, and wants you to know that about them? Someone who when you call up and tell them what you just read in an interesting book and how it’s made you “think,” doesn’t say “what the heck are you reading that crap for?”

Which brings me back to the curse of The Him. Now I know that he’s a fraud, cubic zirconia, but am left with a longing for….communion…. togetherness… partnership….the kind that can’t be completely achieved with my girlfriends.. And I feel guilty, and ashamed for wanting it. Scared that I’ll never find it for real, and will grow disillusioned and hard hearted.

I have been so judgmental over the past years. Saying that women with children who get divorced should just stay single until their kids are grown. Not bring anyone else, man or their kids, into their lives. After 12 years of what I’d been through I couldn’t imagine ANYONE being worth doing it again.

Look at me now. I feel weak and pitiable… Never say never is a cliché for a reason.

I have become someone I would have judged just over a year ago. I’m sure there was something about that in Sunday school… I should have paid more attention.

But is it really wrong to wish for a loving, affectionate, harmonious (meaning that when there are problems but you work them out respectfully) relationship… with a MAN? Is it wrong to want my children to grow up seeing that, living with that, so that they can know that not only does it really does exist but THEY could have it too? After all, their mama did. Is that… weak? Too Pollyanna of me?

I am trying to persevere. Trying to survive my present and still have the strength and hope to believe for a better future.

My wise angel friend Sally keeps telling me to believe, just believe…

I’m trying to believe…. I want to believe… more than anything I want to believe… in love between a man and a woman that lasts. Believe in happily ever after….By the way, Sally does have one of those relationships I wish for. Not perfect, but married for 27 years, have 4 amazing, happy, and successful kids. They have overcome countless challenges, and they still enjoy each other. Still want “date night”. Still make each other laugh. So I have a tendency to listen to her.

So, for today, my wish for you and me is that we can believe. Believe that close on the heels of every death of a dream, set back, failure, disappointment, or loss, is the possibility of a new beginning.. If we can doctor our wounds, and muster the courage to set off down the road again and seek it out.…

If you decide to keep walking.. watch for me.. and maybe we can walk awhile together.

Angels on your body,
Prairie Girl